writing - Cerebral Insights

can’t help but write

Ganito pala talaga siguro pag writer ka. Or feeling writer. Hindi mo mapigil and iyong sarili magsulat. Parang bawat ideya na dumampi sa iyong utak kailangan mong masulat. Di kaya baka tuluyan na nitong lisanin ang iyong isipan.

In any case I am now writing using the basic and primitive resources for any writer – a pen and paper. Sad to say I am at no liberty ot use my preferred means – the computer. I am now at work and eventhough I have access to the PC, there is no means for me to publish what I write using it. So I have to contend with this.

And speaking of computers, my mother’s observation was right when she noticed that 90% of my waking moments are spent in front of the computer. My work requires me to be in front of the computer all the time and when I get home, I still choose to be in front of the computer writing my blogs!

Yet nothing gives me more joy than to write; to see people reading what I’ve written and reacting to it – either in agreement or disagreement.

When I told a co-worker that I’d be resigning because I find my job boring, repetitive and non-challenging, he said, that all jobs in due time become as such.

I beg to disagree. I believe writing as a job will never be boring nor repetitive nor non-challenging. Not unless you write obituaries for a newspaper. But then I believe that there are jobs out there which are not boring or repetitive or non-challenging no matter how many times or eras you do them.

Do you think the hosts of NatGeo documentaries or Discovery Channel Travel shows ever become bored with their jobs? Do you think journalists or international correspondents ever become unchallenged by what they do or find their tasks repetitive?

Point is: There are jobs out there which will constantly challenge you, push you to the edge and require you to constantly change and improve yourself for the better.

And its those jobs that I long to do. I long to have. Some may think I’m crazy. I already have a job that in all respects is easy and does not require too much of me. I go to work, take calls, go home and that’s it. What more could I ask for?

But then I do long for more. I am not made or cut-out for jobs such as this. There are people who appreciate the "static-ness" of it all but I’m not one of them.

I know God made all of use unique and gave each one of us a niche in this world. To go against that plan or to reside in a niche not for you will eventually end up in disappointment, dissatisfaction and disillusionment.

I yearn to find my niche and live life to its fullest!

Post script: Ang hirap pala i-type ang naisulat na. Di na ako sanay. At parang iba din ang writing style. O imagination ko lang un?

blogging to the next level

In my blogging history, this is yet another milestone, perhaps an achievement in the making. As I have no doubt constantly stated, I love writing. I began doing journals or diaries when I was 10 years old, shortly after I discovered my love for reading. Inspired by the Diary of Anne Frank, I felt compelled to also chronicle my life, no matter how seemingly mundane the daily details were compared to a kid who lived during the war period. And so began my experimentation with writing. Sometimes, I wrote in the vernacular, but mostly in English.

When I was in High School, my diaries took on a new form and became journals. No longer was I writing like one merely stating the details of the day but rather I was chronicling my daily life by writing about my opinions on certain matters, my dissections of my emotions and my observations of the things around me. The entries in my personal journal about personal stuff but were written as if it was being published in a school organ.

College saw me keeping journals in the same manner. I wrote mostly in the English language now. I began playing around with words, making my entries appear poetic and worthy of being read by someone. I have somehow managed to write in a way that if anyone read my journals, they wouldn’t quite pinpoint it to be me, except of course if they see my name in the front cover.

And so I discovered online blogs. At first I was averse to publishing my journals online. I considered it an invasion of my privacy. But sooner or later, I found myself instead of writing in my journal, to be typing away in my blog. Thus, I became a blogger.

That was 4 years ago. I’ve blogged on and off since then, depending on my resources and my moods at the moment. I still kept a written journal for all those years. Now, I still have a written journal, though I must admit I seldom write on it. I have begun blogging more actively, managing to switch from Blogger to Multiply, back to Blogger, and then ending up in WordPress. I have begun infiltrating other blogs and creating cyber friends through these channels. I am now familiar with how blogs are actually run and what widgets or gadgets are best for them. I have also encountered creatively designed blogs and began hoping that mine would one day be as creative as theirs. Most of all, I’ve began promoting my blog. Whereas before, I have kept my blogs a secret, open only to the random person who happened to pass by, now I am actively promoting it, reveling whenever the blog traffic surges or I get a new comment.

I am still a long way off from becoming the blogger I want to be. At one point, I came to doubt my intentions for blogging and have come to almost stopping my – according to some friends – shocking disclosure of my personal life.

But then writing has been my catharsis, publishing them my satisfaction and receiving comments my joy. Now I have taken blogging to a higher level for myself. I’ve entered the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards believing in that my articles are worthy for the said contest. I may or may not win, but then the mere fact that I’ve joined, consciously, for me goes a long way off.

For someone who’ve always dreamed of seeing her name with her own byline in a magazine or a newspaper, and yet ending up in a job she hates and somehow cannot yet leave, entering the contest is but an attempt at reaching that far-off dream – a dream she still hopes to fulfill.

Chapter 2

Sabi ni Bob Ong, mas mahirap na trabaho ang maging manunulat sapagkat kapag may naisip kang ideya o kaya nagkaroon ng ilaw ng inspirasyon, hindi mo ito pwedeng ipagpaliban. Kailangan kumilos ka agad kung ayaw mong mawala ang ideya o inspirasyon na yun. At malimit walang pinipiling panahon kung kelan uusbong ang ideya o inspirasyon.

And with that said, how many times have I passed up on the opportunity to write? The opportunity to place my thoughts into pen and paper? They said that writers always have a notebook and pen ready, so when ideas come they can jot them down. Writers are inspired by almost anything around them – it may be the simple chirp of a bird or the splendid colors of sunrise; it may be the irritating sound of car horns or the pungent smell of trash; it may be a word said by someone or a collective action witnessed somewhere. Inspiration comes anywhere, anytime at any place. It knows no bounds or limitations. And how many times has it happened that I have been inspired by some observation, some phenomenom around me, with words springing to my mind like colors springing forth from a painter’s skilled hands only to lose that moments inspiration because I had no means nor patience to put those words into writing. But the time is past to regret such lost opportunities. We can only hope for more.

I haven’t yet finished reading Bob Ong’s Stainless Longanisa. But so far I am learning a lot. I have learned that being a writer is indeed a hard job and I have learned that each writer, no matter if the idea is not that unique or original, still has their own style of writing or putting thoughts into words. While I read his book, I am amazed by how easy it is to read his writing; how he can easily communicate using the vernacular language with no care as to the sentence structure or the choice of words. I wonder though if I could ever achieve such freedom in my style. If I could ever write in such a way that my words would all seem like one seamlessly woven thread – easy to follow. I’m afraid that my words or my compositions are not as good. That I tend to resort to high falluting words which I’ve picked up from the books I’ve read. And sometimes I wonder if I could ever achieve that manner of easily conveying ideas or words to my readers.

But then time allows us to practice and practice makes us perfect. Or rather develops our skills. Time will come then when I shall be able to write in a way that is publishable; a way that is easy to read.

chapter 1

Matagal ko na gustong maging manunulat. Bata pa lang ako alam ko nang magiging writer ako balang araw. Nung elementary, akala ko ang ladas na tatahakin ng aking buhay ay ang landas ng isang manunulat. Subalit nakakatawa ang buhay, may iba-iba itong plano para sa atin.

~*~

Mahirap pala talaga magsulat sa Tagalog gamit ang MS Word. An daming pula at an daming auto-correct na words. At kahit nakakahiya mang aminin na mas sanay ako magsulat sa Ingles, (at mas bihasa), still, pilit ko pa rin sinusulat ito sa Tagalog at iniiwasan mauwi sa Taglish.

~*~

Pagkatapos ng elementary, na-train ako na maging isang scientist. Di ko kinakaila na magaling ako noon sa Math, Science at English. Kaya nabigyan ako ng opportunidad na mag-aral sa Philippine Science High School at pinagpala naman na makapasok sa eskwelahan na to. At dahil magandang pakinggan ang ideya na ikaw ay isang iskolar na sumisweldo (may stipend kasi), tinaggap ko ang opportunidad na yon. Hindi ko alam na pinipili ko na pala ang isang landas ng buhay ko. Pinipili ko na pala maging isang scientist. No return trip na pala to dahil kasama pala sa kontrata namin ay ang pagpili ng isang science-related course sa college. Kaya nauwi sa BS Biology ang kurso ko.

Kung sa bagay may mga Pisay students nga naman na naging writers. Isa na dito ang sikat na si Jessica Zafra. Pero wala pa rin akong naging kahit anong training sa pagsusulat. Ang tanging meron ako ay ang desire na magsulat.

~*~

Nakakahiya na to. An dami sa mga sinulat ko sa taas ang may mga katagang Ingles na di ko man lang ma-translate sa Tagalog. Subalit pakiramdam ko pa rin na dapat Tagalog talaga ang entry na to. Bakit? Malalaman mo sa mga susunod pa na paragraphs.

~*~

Matapos ang college, iisipin mo na either magiging doctor ako, teacher or researcher. Yun naman ang kinahahantungan ng mga BS Bio eh. Pero sa panahon ngayon may isa pang pwedeng trabaho after Bio. Call center agent. Oo. Nasa call center ako, taga-troubleshoot ng mga computer ng mga non-techie na customers. An layo sa pinag-aralan ko. Pero mas malayo pa rin sa gusto ko talagang maging – ang isang manunulat.

Minsan nagtyatyaga nalang ako sa mga blogs ko. DIto na lang inilalabas ang mga ideya na gusto ko ma-publish o mabahagi sa mundo. Pero sa loob-loob ko gusto ko parin maging manunulat sa isang dyaryo o magasin o di kaya makagawa ng isang libro.

Nabasa ko pa lang ang chapter 2 ng Stainless Longanisa ni Bob Ong. Kaya pala, sabi mo. Oo, kaya ganito ang tono ko ngayon. Kahit na normally Ingles ako mag-isip at magsulat, na-impluwensyahan ako ng Tagalog na pagsusulat ni Mr. Ong. (Parang weird – Mr. Ong.)

Sa mga sinulat ni Bob Ong sa librong ito, masasabi ko na sobrang naka-relate ako. Sa pagkwento nya pa lang tungkol sa pangongolekta ng mga libro na hindi naman nababasa, sa pagbili ng mga libro ng hindi sikat na “authors” at sa mga hangarin nya na magsulat ng libro.

Hindi ko pa tapos ang libro nya. Matatapos ko ata ito ngayon tutal day-off ko naman. Pero sa mga unang chapters pa lang, nagising nya muli ang hangarin ko na magsulat. Ang hangarin ko na maging isang writer.

Ngayon wala na ako sa iskwelahan. Nasa tunay na mundo na ako na hindi na nalilimita ng apat na sulok ng classroom. Kung tutuusin pwede ko na magawa ang kahit na anong gusto ko. Ma-pursue ang kahit na anong pangarap na ninais ko. Hindi naman siguro bawal na hangarin ko maging writer at tuparin ko ito kahit na BS Bio ang tinapos ko. Sabi nga sa UP, “Do not let your education interfere with your learning”.

Sa madaling salita, kahit BS Bio ka man, kung gusto mo maging writer, kaya mo. Hindi dahil iba ang kurso na tinapos mo sa pangarap na gusto mong maabot eh hindi mo na maaabot ang iyong pangarap.

Pano ko ba tatapusin to? Hmm.. Siguro mainam na sabihin ang ABANGAN.

ABANGAN ANG SUSUNOD NA KABANATA.

Blogging about Me

I realized that my entries as of late are mostly philosophical in nature. They start off as observations or recounts of my daily adventures then branch out into musings and opinions on the country’s present situation.

Well, for a change I’ve decided to write something about myself.

For starters, I wonder what people really think or perceive about me. Not that I really care or that their sentiments would greatly affect me, but then, I still wonder. A conversation with a friend from work made me wonder as such. Here was how the conversation went:

Me: Inaantok ako, sobra.

Friend: Baka buntis ka.

Me: Ano yun parthenogenesis*? *scientific term for immaculate conception

Friend: Oo.

Me: Ayoko nun. Walang thrill.

Silence.

Friend: Wow. First time.

Maybe because we’ve only discussed philosophical things before that conversation took place, and as such the reason for my friend’s surprise. But then I know that a lot of people would be really surprised by my comment. Walang thrill pala ha?

I know a lot of people view me as reserved, conservative or maybe even prude. I know they think of me as a goody-two-shoes type of person – especially the people at work. I do not smoke, though I drink. I do not commit abuses at work and I do not malign my customers. I seldom do. I also tend to appear sweet and innocent, I guess.

And it made me think of how many people out there, who I consider my friends, really know me for who I am. Not just the me they think of, or the me, that is apparently the Mary Sunshine to the community, but also the me who is reckless and wild. Not that I am THAT reckless and wild, but then I hope you get my point.

I’ve read in another person’s blog how he viewed himself as being socially challenged due to his perception that he is lacking in friends. He surmised how anyone ever texts him anymore. I am then led to wonder if I myself am lacking in real friendships. Not that I am socially challenged – I’m afraid I’m too outgoing to be such. I can strike up a conversation with anyone I chose to – bring up a topic out of thin air. Yet I admit I also don’t have regular textmates – people who send me text messages on a daily basis, that is, conversational text messages and not forwarded quotes and jokes. But then again, I was never a text person.

Yet, I am a firm believer that the friends I’ve accumulated over the years – friends from elementary, high school, college and all the other branches of society connected with these stages of my education – are there to remain my friends for life despite the lack of communication for years now. It is true that we might not be as close as we once were, but I believe that upon meeting again, years of silence would be breached by a simple smile, a simple hello and hours of non-stop talk about each other’s current lives. I further believe that when I am in dire need, then I can always approach any of them and they would always be willing to help to the best that they can. I mean, I would be willing to help them and I believe the same is true the other way around.

Maybe I am idealistic. I haven’t really tried any of the scenarios above. As my life keeps moving on to its different stages, and as I keep on changing scenarios and environments with each stage of life, I’ve been on the non-stop process of creating friends in each new environment and leaving them behind when I move on to the next environment. Some of them, I still maintain occasional communication, some of them I haven’t spoken to for years. But then I always seem to strike up a conversation once I meet a friend from my past and if he or she gets to remain in my current sphere, then good and fine for we are able to resume our friendship. If not, then we get to be just like two good old friends, meeting up then parting ways again.

So perhaps I am indeed a social creature – a social being who can always create friends wherever she is and who have no qualms moving on to a different sphere to forge more friendships. Yet I know that I am also a solitary and fiercely independent person deep down and as such, that might be the reason why I have no difficulties leaving friendships behind.

Yet for all the friends that I have, and for the large number of people connected to me in all the various networking sites I’m a member of, I remain sad that only a few ever finds themselves amongst the pages of my blog. Maybe I should do unto others what I want others to do unto me – and that is visit their blog sites, and comment on them. Maybe. No promises here.

Writer’s Block

There are moments when all neurons die down and much as we want to orchestrate something, to provide opinion about something, to think about something or to simply do something (with our minds), we can’t.

We are at a lost what to do, what to say, what to think. We scream internally at the seemingly lack of activity. No neural pathways being created. Nothing.

I know now what drives Sherlock Holmes mad. I now know what leads him to inject cocaine and any other stimulant up his nerves. This inactivity is draining me. It is driving me mad. It is making me lose all sensibilities. All practical sensibilities.

In the recent town hall meeting, the country manager said, THIS is not our life. THIS SHOULDN’T be our life. I do my best to have a life apart from this. But I guess if one is just starting, the totally new environment of this industry takes some getting used to.

If four hours sleep at night is enough to get me going through the day, four hours sleep in daytime will leave me groggy throughout the night – not to mention that I’ll be experiencing dizzy spells and all that. Somehow, being a night owl – for months on end – really zaps out the life in you.

The life I want is pretty simple. Read books. Write articles. Watch movies. And if asked if I get to do any of them, I must say, that it is only the second item that I really get to do. And that is I get to do it rather sparingly or I have to fight limb and foot to get any writing done.

Sometimes, I whine that I do not really get to write as much as I want; that there are a thousand ideas in my head which I don’t get to write about. Good thing I discovered that there is indeed a way for me to redeem the avail time at work to get some writing done. Maybe later, I will be able to discover a way to get some reading done. And at least, I would be living my life.

**Note: This was written during avail time. Haha! I rejoice at having discovered how I can generate articles after articles for my blog.

writing is my passion

I am a writer at heart.

It seems ideas of what to write about always keep popping in my head. I bet with some formal education on writing, I might be able to develop this talent further. Maybe then this is the direction I’ve been looking for? A career in writing? Of course at this point everything would have to start out as a hobby. Some blog posts here and there and some writings here and there. Bits and pieces of the written me somewhere.

I know I would have to develop some individual style of writing. Discover what area or aspect of literature I’m good at writing at. And where could I begin exploring that if not by blogging?

And I am indeed grateful that this laptop has finally served the purpose I had envisioned it to serve. Which to as a writing portal. A writing medium. Now I am fulfilling that dream of directly typing in my thoughts to cyber world. Of course there are times when I miss my volumes of journals which I believe are gathering mold somewhere in my drawers. Yet I know that for the longest time I’ve wished for a scenario exactly like this. A laptop in my lap and my fingers busily typing in my thoughts which are faster than I can recover.

And now what are my topics for today? I’ve thought of some blog ideas like how SM’s opening day was greeted by a storm – a literal weather storm and how irrational my position and a friend’s position is when it comes to love or what we allude to as love lives. And then of course there are the many reviews I’ve lined up that I still can’t get around to writing. And now I’ve managed to come up with some idea for a blog – a blog that I could actually publish.

One idea is to have Cuddle and Cuchie as the “bloggers” and for them to act like columnists who answers people’s biological queries. One idea is to simply write about biological entities – in a really unscientific and layman sort of way. Just so I could still make use of my Bio education. Another, and this just came to mind, is to write about the adventures of a Bio student – what it feels to dissect things etc. Then again another idea is to publish the blog I have now and to make my profile and other incriminating information anonymous so I could pass the blog on as some diary of some hapless soul in the universe who is sometimes happy and sometimes sad. A very normal individual who simply wants the world to listen to her life struggles. And maybe I could make an alter ego of myself though I still haven’t decided how to go about with that.

Maybe I could also write about the struggles of a TSR yet at one point or another that line of writing will most probably end since my being a TSR isn’t really that interesting. I could cook up a lot of anecdotes from my calls but they won’t be enough to sustain a blog.

The most probable here is the one wherein I would simply remove all incriminating posts in my blog so it would reflect no personal detail about me but all details about my life. and the one about Bio concepts explained in layman’s terms. The others might be simply too much work.

And of course we cannot write about things we do not know right? So I cannot write about travels and food trips which are two subjects I would have loved to write about. I need to gain a certain degree of experience for those things to be the subject of my writings.

Maybe then time will come when I could write about this things and when that time comes I know I’m no longer as tied down to this binding kind of work that I have.
And when would that happen? In two or three years time maybe? Hopefully.

writer in me with nothing to write about

a while back i was itching to write about my topsy-turvy sentiments. now i can’t find the words to voice out my thoughts.

in less than 10 minutes i should be back at my station. i haven’t even eaten a morsel of my choco chip cookies. yet my mind wants to vent out whatever emotion it is keeping at bay. it seems i want to release something. yet i cannot. not at this instant.

it seems they’re all there — at bay. awaiting release.

why won’t release come? *sigh*

maybe hunger pangs is dulling my brain. silencing both the cerebrum and the hypothalamus.

the blogger in me

part of the reason why i haven’t been posting anything on this blog, apart from what the toll at work did to my body, is because i’ve discovered several blogs that i liked to read.

most of them were of course what blogs should be – a shot at making serious national issues a comical or satirical relief. being a current affairs junkie (as of last year), and having gone without any update on current affairs for 5 months now, i’ve turned to this blog for my source of what is happening on the local scene now.

of course they do not provide a complete picture of events but they are as close and as relaxing as i could get. reading online newspapers, are for me, albeit ecologically friendly, tiresome and eye-stressing. it seems news are better watched on tv or more preferably, read on newspapers.

and so discovering these blogs were for me like discovering gold mines. not only did i find comic relief and diversion from my mundane existence, i’ve also found inspiration on what blogs should look like. on what blogs that other people read, should be like.

and so, here i am. tired and beaten from a night’s work, yet still conceptualizing in the recesses of my brain, a unique topic to blog about. a unique name to create. and a unique thing to talk about. quite a feat in this world of carbon copies i must say. yet i do know i need another outlet of myself. i cannot confine myself to the four corners of my work and my sleep – which is what had pretty much defined my lifestyle.

i thought working would be my liberation, it turned out being a yuppie was my prison.

i hope to break free of the prison i inadvertently gotten myself into.

and blogging – in the way that the blogs i am reading – might just be the cure for that.