workaholic - Cerebral Insights

Letters

People write letters. Then they write open letters.

Wrote a really long letter today. Felt very articulate I must say. Felt very introspective too. It’s not everyday you get to analyze why someone behaved the way they did because of how I myself behaved.

So here’s a portion – admittedly edited for public view – just because I like writing (and sharing) so much.

You challenge, frustrate and inspire me at the same time.

Before you came I had no one at par with my skills. I was, unconsciously, the star. But you came – smart, well-versed, experienced, skilled – and suddenly I was no longer the star. You knew what I knew. You’ve experienced what I’ve experienced. Every discovery I make, you knew beforehand.

You were even better than me. And I felt challenged. Finally, a stimulant.

But you have the irritating manner within you where you have to pop my bubble with every exciting discovery I make just because you knew it already. I proclaim my discovery only to be met with dissent because you knew it long before I did and apparently it ain’t as great as I thought it is.

Hence my aggression which I knew aggravated you.

I concede. You are smart. You are well-travelled. More experienced than me. Knows more than me. You’ve touched more lives than I did.

And that is how you inspire me. For despite the irritating and frustrating challenges I find it inspiring that someone my age could have achieved as much. Have been to places I want to go. Have experienced things I want to experience. Have touched people’s lives the same way I want to touch other’s lives.

So I look forward to learning more from you. For yes, you are a worthy adversary but more than that you are a great source of learning.

Just one favor. Don’t pop my bubble too often.

On Being Creative

How do you keep creative juices going? Here’s a video I found:

The Delicate Balance of Management

At a young age I have been fortunate enough to be exposed to top management. I have learned how policies are made and how hard decisions, especially involving personnel, can become. Perhaps it’s because I have grown up as a student leader and perhaps because I am clearly interested in how our country is ran, that I find myself to have this natural inclination for anything management-related.

I have witnessed various management styles both first-hand and from reading various case studies as required by MBA courses I’ve taken in my lifetime.

I have also had my stint in management – and not in the junior management level – but in a upper senior management level handing various levels of staffs and navigating the waters of company politics. I can’t say I emerged unscathed. In fact, I’ve been black and blue with the bruises of battle. But I’ve learned, enough to form my character and prepare me for my next role.

Albeit right now I’ve taken a breather. Call it backwards but I’ve actually experienced being in top management, first an observer then as an actual practitioner before I’ve learned what it means to actually be at the bottom. Not that I am bragging or not that I am saying it’s what I rightfully deserved but circumstanced has a funny way of showing me the two sides of the coin.

Today I’ve been fortunate enough to have witnessed and been privy – even participate – in an exercise involving different aspects of management – even calling to mind my learnings in Business Ethics.

The dilemma has been thus simple: should you pay workers who are unable to report to work due to extreme, perhaps life threatening, weather conditions.

The question of whether workers should work during the same set of weather conditions is a no-brainer. Of course, they are given the option not to report to work. In this age of globalization, work done in one part of the world, if left undone for even just a fraction of a second, could very well hamper a company in another part of the globe. Hence, extreme weather conditions has cease to be an excuse for not reporting to the call of “corporate” duty. Instead, workers are given the option to report to work should they, in their best judgment, be able to assess the safety of them doing so.

In a purely industrial sense, no work then equals no pay. It’s the fair ruling according to law. The company did not benefit from the absence of the employee and hence will in return not pay the employee for work not rendered.

It’s ruthless. It’s heartless. But it’s the law.

Yet, apparently there’s a way to show heart in the midst of this ruthlessness world. Apparently, management, with all due respect, need not be as ruthless as I had once thought it should be. Management, apparently, can have a heart and still maintain and remain true to its primary goal of ensuring the company’s overall profitability.

With the new policy enacted, I’ve witnessed management with a heart at work. A delicate balance has been struck. The company still wins and the worker wins as well. It’s a win-win without the ruthless drama. A win-win vs. a lose-lose.

Why a win for the company? Employee morale remains high which translates to productivity. Why a win for the employee? Life remains secured so does the promise of a pay.

Becoming a manager is a tough call. No wonder these people are paid for the responsibility they bear and the decisions they make. One thing’s for sure though, I have what it takes but I still have a long way to go.

work humbug

I’m here again. Feeling burnt out. Feeling despondent. Feeling tired and cheerless. Once more work lost its luster. And I am left at the mercy of the treadmill of routine.

Though nothing is routine with what I do. And I receive some challenges or the promise of it but the sadness still remains. It’s like a raw feeling deep in me. A big hole that cannot be quenched by anything.

I yearn to move forward once more. Do something else. Have a new environment. Prior I thought it was simply the lack of pressurized and challenging work that was killing me. The thought that I have so many idle time at my hands and I am not pressured to do anything. But now I know it is much more. The work environment doesn’t suit me just as well. I am not happy. There is nothing inspiring for me to go to work anymore. Nothing motivational.

I feel like a robot switched on – reluctantly – in the morning. And switched off – gratefully – in the evening. I feel drained and strained. I feel like I am not living the life I can live.

I feel like I want to soar higher. Go further. And reap rewards that right now I can only dream about. I can only dream and wish for. I want to fly.

I feel stifled. Caged. Chained. Subdued.

I long to move forward to stranger tides, more dangerous waters.

I thought I could give it up – the visions I have planted in my mission board. I thought I could give it up – the dreams I’ve had in replacement of a more simpler dream. But now, that is not enough.

Now, I am still unhappy. And I know, at this point, for me to live a life of no regrets, I must reach that. Get that. What I have aimed and aspired for. What I have envisioned. And maybe then, I will be able to receive the peace and contentment I no longer have now.

(Though I acknowledge that a relationship with the Lord should address every hole in our hearts, I must also confess that right now I have none of that. It is dangerously thin, if even existent).

I know I can do more. I know I can achieve more. I want to fly further and gain more.

I want to apply and be part of the company I admire the most – GMA 7. It’s media. It’s an inside look at the world I’ve always wanted. Plus, it’s near UPD!!! I can live right at Krus Na Ligas for starters. Perhaps the same old boarding house I once lived at. Then if I got the money look for an apartment in Teacher’s Village or a condo in Kamuning or Tomas Morato area. It’s near the place! I want to be there. At GMA 7.

Perhaps I should really tell him. And my boss too.

Protected: patronizing the enemy

missing you

I do miss blogging. I looked at the posts featured on my front page and I can see that the posts from last year are still there. About a year ago, the posts of last week would not even appear on the front page for so long. But now, I regret to say, that the freedom of time to blog has been robbed from me, not because I don’t like to blog anymore but rather because I can’t blog anymore. Time constraints are always the largest culprit but beyond that, I am now in a position wherein I understand fully the dangers of maintaining a very public blog which can be traced back to me.

I have always been honest about what I write; fearless in my views and stands. More than the upcoming elections, there are more reason for me to sift through what I write, filter what I express. My job now allows me to become privy to a lot of confidential information that I cannot divulge and being an active blogger, I must watch what I write for I may accidentally say something – some grievance perhaps or some word of praise that will be better released at a more appropriate time. So for the readers that I have (if there are any) forgive me for not updating my blog. I chose not to close it down, as some I know have professed to do to their blogs once they deemed their scheds would become hectic but only to go back to blogging (if you’re reading this, you may be able to relate.. peace!). But I feel aversive to shut down my blog, I did have some great posts back then (am I being conceited?). Hehe.

Hmm. Suffice to say, I miss blogging. Perhaps I will somehow get back to it. Sift through what I can write. Still voice out personal opinions on my political views (I don’t think I will get shot for expressing them, aight?). Or perhaps I could still write about other aspects of my life, there are other categories present here. But as for the bigger chunk of my life right now, that is my work, I would have to remain mum about it.

So moving forward (did you think I was stopping already?), there are certain noteworthy things worth mentioning in my life outside of work. For weeks, even months, work has been the premier item that has occupied my time and mind but now there are other things worth mentioning.

Hmm. I know. There should be another more important thing occupying my life right now. A relationship I have been neglecting for who knows how long. I know at times I try to communicate, but I know it is not in the same degree as before. For some weeks back, I thought I would be going back. To the place where our relationship had bloomed and made leaps and bounds and I depended on that chance to rekindle what I have with Him. But now I am still here, far from where we started, and I know I must rekindle what I have with Him, what is left of it I guess. Gosh. I do miss Him terribly. And I am still, I’m afraid, in the same position as I was a year ago, perhaps a step or two closer but still farther than where I was years and years ago. (for the other he who I know will be reading this, I hope you know who is the He I am talking about here. I did tell you that what I have is a relationship, not a religion, and as such it is still subject to what every normal human relationship goes through. Just so you know before you start thinking about other things else.)

So now, (transition), having made that small disclaimer in parenthesis, the other he will be the next subject of discussion. Maybe not exactly the person but rather the circumstances I now find myself in.

Love. Commitment. Relationships. I had such high words for these things before. Almost made me sound like some counseling book perhaps. I know though that experience wise, I am almost near the bottom mark but knowledge wise I rank high. Yet in life, we are not all books, not all knowledge but also experiential. Not to say that I went out there and got myself some experience to compliment my book knowledge, no, but rather, experience found me. Cliche, but it is true. All this things that I have developed truckloads of theories in the past, came knocking at my door. Challenging me to put my well-formulated theories into practice. Along the way, of course I have seen that some of these theories need polishing, some even needed to be abolished, but then everything is a work in progress. Right? I know I have left my blog hanging as to the last forage I have in this field. It was just too painful for me to admit it at that time – that I have failed, yet again perhaps. I had all this grand talk of finally finding the one despite the negativity I faced at home. I announced to everyone that I had found him – the one I would be with for the rest of my life. I put a lot of thought in the whole process, of whether he would be worth the time and emotions and everything. I even fought for him with my family. And then look where it got me – nowhere! So much time, energy and emotions wasted. But then, as I was saying way back then, it was a risk I was willing to take. Yes, there was the other side to the coin but then who wanted to look at the other side right?

In any case, I feel like I am in again, almost the same position. Of course thankfully this next person is someone I met flesh and blood. Not some random online stranger like the last two have been. And in due fairness, there are mutual friends to attest to his credibility so I am not banking my decision on something only I have seen. But then, I feel that unlike before, I would have to take everything much much slower this time. I mean, yes, I did put time limits for myself (the eggs.. the eggs.. haha), but I also know that I would rather be slow and sure than be fast and sorry (again) in the end.

Forgive me, blog and readers, for I haven’t said anything about the end of that last relationship that I had written so candidly about at the start. I was ashamed to say it ended when the way I had written about it was like it was the end of a long search for the lifetime partner. I was ashamed to admit I had failed when I had sought the advice of so many people about the entire matter. My ego cannot take it. But then, there is a time for humility and I guess this is it. Thank goodness I was able to change my relationship status in FB back to single, just that I removed it from the news feed. My reluctance to announce that we were done for was not because I was still hung up on the person. No, once I determined that I could not really love him for reasons I have yet to state, all feelings that I have for him flew out the window. It was more of pride that I was reluctant to make the announcement. More of shame on my part. Sometimes I feel like that shame would haunt me, but then, I figure that the decision is ultimately up to myself. I could decide to let some past haunt me and make me cower in fear, or I can decide to take it with a grain of salt and move forward, learning from experience.

So I stood up, brushed my knee, acknowledged I fell and let the wounds heal in time. Wounds, not because of a broken heart, but a broken ego. Sometimes I wonder, am I really the ice princess? Seeing how methodical my ways with emotions are. Nah. I must be really just a big chunk of cognitive persona.

So this is it for now. I guess. I look forward to knowing this person more as the days pass and seeing where everything will go. And as I have learned about my recent experience with my work, you really cannot plan everything. I never imagined I would land this job I now have, much less with this company and in this place. I had fixed plans before, now I really don’t have them anymore. So I guess, the same with the field of love, relationships and commitments, I would just let the wind blow and see where it would lead me. Now, I guess I am fully letting Him take reign of my life, not trying to force my own will into it. But then, I still miss what we have in the past and hope very much to regain what was lost.

on dreams and jobs

Dream job. What exactly is it? For me it is something you’ve always wanted but never thought you could possibly get. It is something you’ve always dreamed of, literally, but never thought you could actually land into. It is something you’ve wished for but never thought you’d attain. It is a dream, in every literal sense of the word. It is a dream because despite everything you have no idea how you can possibly attain it.

Now, I am living that dream.

I have had my shares of jobs that I thought or considered were dream jobs. Not because I literally dreamed of them or imagined in my entire life that I would be working in such conditions but because they had the prerequisites of what I would consider a good job. But then those jobs never lasted. They lacked something I was looking for. Maybe I was really pining for that dream – buried deep within my subconscious; longing to be real.

Today, that dream became a reality.

I have always dreamed, since I was little, of working as an executive in a prestigious company. Power dressing, corporate offices, meetings, social interactions, business functions, the whole nine yards. But a path in science strayed me from such a dream and I was forced to contend myself with second hand dream jobs borne out of the skills I have managed to acquire in my lifetime.

But now, I have been given the chance to live out the dream. What happens next, I can only watch and see. In any case I am much too overwhelmed and excited to finally be living the dream.

The Vast World of Article Writing and Rewriting

Since I am fairly new to this business, I know I haven’t explored or seen the most of it. Since I am an independent person foraging into this freelance writing world, I know I have so much to learn and only myself to depend upon.

One of the early things I learned was that there are certain styles necessary to make an article readable. Most of my clients are those asking me to write contents for their websites. The websites are mostly business ones that needs to come up first in search engines. For this to happen articles must be keyword rich or their language SEO ready. SEO stands for search engine optimized. Also, articles must be easy to read. That means, it must contain simple words and simple sentences. I admit I had to bend my writing style a bit just to comply with these guidelines.

Another thing I recently discovered was that most of the time they ask or they warn me not to use any software or machine to spin or make the articles. I thought to myself, who would do that? Apparently, there are softwares out there, generally called spinners, who automatically rewrites an article for you. The thought was that you create or write an article then submit it to article directories. For you to earn more, there must be a great number of views to your articles. And for that to happen, it must be at the top of search engine results. Also, it would be best if you can submit the article to hundreds of article directories.

Now of course, I don’t know half of what all of those means. What are article directories exactly? I think they are sites where you submit an article and they pay you a dollar per like a thousand views or something. Yes you put your own by-line but then the pay is really low for my tastes. Besides, you need to make sure your article generates like a thousand views or something for that to work. Again, these are all hypothetical in a sense. I am not that well-versed on the entire matter.

Still, after taking a glimpse at the vast world of freelancing, and realizing that I am not even a fraction of a hundredth close to it, I must say it all overwhelmed me. I cannot even begin to describe the enormous possibilities in this blog. For me to be really familiar or engrossed with all of this – you know write articles and spin it like a hundred times to be submitted to like a hundred article directories so that I can earn – would make me an anti-social person for all eternity. I will be as pale as any bloodsucker and as clumsy as their beloved pet.

So when all is said and done, I am still a writer at heart but not a hung-up writer to go that far. I like to write but not push myself too much so I can earn from my writing. For now I will continue writing for the clients I have – which are dwindling in numbers because I refuse to simply accept new ones; write some original articles for those article directories of which I am already a member of and then look for some employment out there that would enable me to meet new people and have a teeming social life – one that is real and not virtual.

on teaching and being a teacher

A writer in Peyups said that some people are born with a natural and innate ability to be a teacher. He said that there are people who are blessed with the gift of teaching and who are natural teachers. Teaching is just part of who they are. They are gifted with the ability to pass on knowledge that others can learn easily.

In my years as a student, I have indeed noticed that there are people who are innate teachers. I have had teachers who were not the experts in the field they’re teaching but who nonetheless can convey knowledge really effectively. Then there are also those who are experts in their field but are unable to convey their vast knowledge.

Early on, I knew that I had the natural ability to teach. It was apparent in how I share my knowledge with my peers; on how I coach them on certain subject matters. I have had no difficulties sharing knowledge in a way that people can learn from it. I do not spoon feed it but rather I know how to encourage someone to discover and learn it for themselves. Most of my volunteer works were centered on how I teach others. I teach kids most of the time and I know I’m effective at it. Results don’t lie. Neither do affirmation of parents and colleagues.

sunskul kids — two of the kids I taught in Sunday School

And so it was but natural that one of the doors of opportunity open for me is teaching. I have been asked by my thesis adviser to consider teaching in the Institute. I have been encouraged by my aunts, family and bestfriend to try out teaching. I have no qualms that I can do it.

Yet I shied away from the prospect. After graduation, in my mind’s eye, I wanted to see the world. I wanted to experience the corporate setting and leave the school setting. I viewed teaching as being stuck in a routine on an environment I have been living in for the most part of my life. I wanted to discover what lay beyond the four corners of the classroom (figuratively).

So I set out to the corporate world. Armed with my business attires, I ventured forth. Only to be gravely disappointed and dismayed. (For more details, just refer to previous blogs about work.)

Now I am given yet another opportunity to go back to the academe. Whether I would peruse teaching methods or a master’s degree, is still too early for me to say at this point. But what I do know is that teaching is sounding more and more appealing by the minute.

I know I look like a person devoid of direction in life. I guess this happens when you have so many opportunities available and liberty to try them all out. When you find out one doesn’t work as good as you hoped it would, you try the next one. What happens then if in the end you find that all of them doesn’t work out to your satisfaction – you weigh out all options and go to the next best thing, I guess.

So there I’ve said it. Teaching, well here I come. And in the process I have to eat my words on how I would never want to be a teacher. Tsk.

D4DR gene mutation. I know I have it.

I don’t really know how to start this blog yet there is something I need to write down. Just to get it off my system. Or to dissect it even further. This won’t be an easy post. It is never easy admitting to the world that you have a character flaw. It is never easy admitting your were mistaken. It is even more difficult discussing your weaknesses. But weaknesses would forever remain such if they are not brought out into the open and discussed. No rational solution can be hoped to be achieved if the problem is never discussed. And such, I, once again, make myself vulnerable in the attempt to solve something or at least throw some light into it.

As I enter the corporate world or the working world and leave the predictable life of a student, I am aghast to note that though I have the skills and personality to survive in any corporate setting, I do not have enough of a willpower to do so. Devoid of any real motivation for working, like sending some siblings to school or helping the family out financially (not that we are well-off (we are not) but I am not obliged to help in any way except voluntarily), I find it very easy to become bored with what I do. When I look at my resume, I find that I have a lot of work experiences but none of them even lasted to a year. Not because I was not performing well, in fact I exceeded expectations, but because I became bored with the job and sought something better. Something more exciting.

I know, and I have been told, that I would never last in a routinary job like an office job. I need something that changes constantly and that puts me into pressures that would thrill me. I crave excitement and adventure all the time that a static job would bore me to death.

I am seriously alarmed and aghast to find the prediction coming true. I lose excitement easily. When I was working in the call center, the novelty was great for me. I had so much fun in the beginning. As days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, and the work became repetitive since I’ve mastered almost all of it, I became despondent. I shifted to medical transcription which was really working out all right but the pay and the company policies were questionable and I was forced to get out. I pursued freelance writing which was taxing deadlines piled one on top of the other. But after those weeks were done, I am left with a void. I can go ahead and accept new job offers and enter the same cycle but I dare not. No one wants to suffer another bout of low blood incidents and skin as pale as the Twilight vampires.

And the more alarming thing to all of these, is that I have no plans as to what I want to do next. Yes, I have thought of several options. I know I could really teach college (there have been hints of offers) and I know I could apply at any company I so desire (I am never at a lack for self-confidence and smooth words) but the drive to really make something happen is missing. There is no push, no internal motivation. I lament and I cry that I am like this. My bestfriend said that I have always been a structured person. Back in our high school days, she has known me to always have a plan – even if the first plan backfired, I have a spare. I have also always been full of goals. Goals to accomplish.

But I guess, the shifting around of those goals has left me somewhat goal-less. The goals all appear to be like shadows of a dream I once had that somehow I’ve lost the will to attain.

I know I have the D4DR mutation (see D4DR article). I need higher levels of dopamine than the rest. I understand that now. So what do I do? Seek out adventures on my own. Create my own thrills? My mom said I shouldn’t waste life sulking around the house, waiting for opportunities to present themselves. Indeed, I musn’t. She urges me to go out there, find some employment, not because I need to earn money badly but because I need the social company. Indeed I cannot lock myself up inside the house, under the pretense of freelance writing and with the internet as my social companion. Freelance writing is good. Writing, as I said countless of times, will always be my passion. Online social communities are nice. It is always great to meet real people virtually, whether they be clients or colleagues. Yet, I know that there is also more to life than just living a seemingly virtual existence.

So what are my plans now? Now that I have finally attained that long worked for diploma, where do I go from here? When I first “technically” graduated – that is when I finished all my subjects and have been free to get a full-time job, there were a lot of doors open for me. There were so many paths I could choose. Now that I have officially graduated – no more snags with the thesis – there are more doors than ever. But the doors are shrouded by a mist, a mist that only internal motivation and drive can lift up.

I know, subconciously, I have been sort of blaming a withering spiritual relationship for all of this. I keep thinking, if I fix this spiritual humdrum I am in, then I am sure the internal drive will return. But even with fixing that relationship, I am lacking motivation. Humbug! What has happened to me?

I must shake myself from this stupor. Get out there and start again. I am young. I am capable. And I know I can do it.

Besides, people with the D4DR mutation are more prone to psychological and psychiatric disorders when the dopamine levels they need are not met properly.

But I guess, the shifting around of those goals has left me somewhat goal-less. The goals all appear to be like shadows of a dream I once had that somehow I’ve lost the will to attain.

I know I have the D4DR mutation (see previous article). I need higher levels of dopamine than the rest. I understand that now. So what do I do? Seek out adventures on my own. Create my own thrills? My mom said I shouldn’t waste life sulking around the house, waiting for opportunities to present themselves. Indeed, I musn’t. She urges me to go out there, find some employment, not because I need to earn money badly but because I need the social company. Indeed I cannot lock myself up inside the house, under the pretense of freelance writing and with the internet as my social companion. Freelance writing is good. Writing, as I said countless of times, will always be my passion. Online social communities are nice. It is always great to meet real people virtually, whether they be clients or colleagues. Yet, I know that there is also more to life than just living a seemingly virtual existence.

I must shake myself from this stupor. Get out there and start again. I am young. I am capable. And I know I can do it.

Besides, people with the D4DR mutation are more prone to psychological and psychiatric disorders when the dopamine levels they need are not met properly.