Category: Love Bug

Perhaps he is not. Perhaps he is.

Reading along, I discovered that there really is no single THE ONE when it comes to marriage. There are a potential of different combinations of people who I will have to make the decision to love and spend the rest of my life with.

It all started our surreal. I never knew he was the one I liked or never even imagined he would like me. We were just too far apart. But as he started to show his interest, and I was just politely interested at first, things started to unfold.

It was beautiful. I found out that we actually had a lot in common and that I actually enjoyed his company. I sought confirmation from God time and time again and to my knowledge, God confirmed that what we have – that what was going on – is right. Having people around us that supports and are excited for us also seemed to edge us to be closer – to eventually cinch the deal.

But there was also a lot of wisdom going around. How we should keep knowing each other well. How we should take things slow. In my case, I can feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to develop self-control – and aspect I apparently lack a lot of.

Things get complicated when people tell you not to spend time alone together. I think this is defeatist. For how can we know each other better if we don’t spend time alone together? Are we doomed to speaking alone within the chat room or text messages? How can we evaluate the rapport we have with each other if we don’t spend time alone?

The enemy is always waiting for a chance to attack. Yep. Sneaky little devil. But pretending that we can know everything about each other in the company of friends is I think a misnomer. Yes, I told him I am sure about him. But there is now this deep seated feeling in me that before I do answer him with a resounding yes, I want to spend time getting to know him – alone and in person.

But let us enumerate the reasons why I like him.

First, he is really humble. He is quick to admit to his flaws and is open to rebuke. I sense that we won’t have that many arguments together because we both know how to humble ourselves with each other and to admit our faults and forgive.

Second, I feel natural and comfortable with him. There is no pretense that I have to pretend to be rich, or smart, or classy or even take too much pains to be beautiful. I know he accepts me for me – smelly, unpretty, fat, lousy, lazy and all. Of course I would always want to be the best for him but I don’t feel that pressure to be anyone I am not.

Third, I know he is responsible. He has enough control of which I have seen and I am actually at fault for making everything hard for him. He also has the future in mind and is very thrifty and frugal in order to save enough for life ahead. I know he can make a living for he is not afraid to take on whatever work is there in order to survive. And now he is committed to improving his life and his future.

It just makes everything so hard and complicated because I feel that so many people are watching us — looking at the steps we make. So we have to be on our toes all the time and be wary how our lives are turning out to be a testimony. We can’t be showy because we are not even an item. I am not even sure if I should say YES right away for many would view it as too soon.

Last week I heard someone say that looking for a partner is pretty much like recruiting an applicant for work. You look at their credentials and if they meet your requirements then you consider them. If not, then despite how attractive they are, you move on.

I have to say this is mature love. It goes beyond the kilig feeling and sees deep into the future of what could be. It’s also a love that asks not what the person can do for you but also what you can offer the other person in return.

Hearing the person speak and share his thoughts made me see him in a whole new light. Someone I’ve known for close to a year but never really gave much thought has suddenly entered my radar full blown. I am curious about him. I want to know him better. Be his friend. See if he fits the bill.

I think nothing’s wrong finding out about him. There are several things left wanting and which I’m still praying for wisdom how to approach but making him as a friend – I see no harm in that.

And so, over the weekend I asked God that if it was really in His will that I should develop a friendship with this person that He be the one to create a way for us to have a conversation. As extrovert as I am, I don’t fancy myself approaching him out of the blue and talking to him about his interests or what not.

And so it happened. As innocently as the sun rising in the east, I found myself sharing a light moment with him and a group of other senior leaders in the company. We laughed at jokes – not the crude and immature ones – but those rooted in serious matters like business, client relations and future goals. And they were not negative jokes rooted in work discontent. They were honest jokes rooted in future positive goals and opportunities.

It was a group effort but one that gave me a deeper glimpse into who he is.

But that was a group conversation. Dare I say that we also had a personal conversation? This time it was he who initiated it. Again, not me. Just a simple note to tell me to get the coffee and sugar he brought for me. Of which I actually forgot but was touched to know that he remembered.

And from there a conversation on agriculture and farming naturally flowed. So yeah. He knows about agriculture. He is business-minded. He is responsible. And so far, he knows his stuff. He also has a vision.

Of course there’s a lot more to be known about this person but will I pursue the friendship – why not?

I will trust the Lord to unveil it as each day pass.

Life challenges us in many different ways. Life throws us curve balls that we either avoid, catch or hit us square in the face. Life throws us bombs that could either make or break us. It’s just the way life was designed – a constant barge of challenges which depending on our disposition we can take positively or negatively.

I am an optimist to the point of surreal idealism. And so I view every single challenge as an opportunity to learn, to improve and to become better.

I’ve been challenged in various aspects of life – work/career, finances, spiritual, family and love. But of all these things, the biggest and most daunting yet may be in love.

I have my own battle scars from the “war” raged with love. War might be a too pessimistic term so let me mellow it down to fight. My fight with love has left me scarred – battered – yet willing to keep fighting. I haven’t succeeded I’m afraid but the fight is far from over. I have a lot to learn so it seems.

I’ve been in love to the point of foolishness and irrationality. Physical bruises, hurtful words and emotional blackmail are no match for the love I felt. Thankfully, I had enough sense to wake up to reality. I’ve been in love to the point of cold rationality. But love without the heart loses all excitement and ceases to be love.

Apparently, I need to learn the balance.

But this struggle (more mellow term) I’m in right now is frankly, in my books, the worst ever. After clearly denying, I am now forced into admitting. But admission is the first sign of victory. For where there is admission, there is acknowledgement of the issue and the resolution soon becomes easier to follow. 

Lord – I depend on you to win this battle. 

I am being overly melodramatic. I am being overly angst ridden. I need to get this off my chest. I need to devolve. I need to de-evaluate. I need to de-stress.

I can’t focus. I can’t comprehend. Everything is a blur. My mind is a blur. My eyes are threatening to be a blur due to tears.

My breathing is staggered. I can’t breathe! My chest feels like it’s about to explode. As if my heart is breaking right now. As if every fiber of it, every cardiac muscle is tearing apart and beating which it normally and involuntarily does every second is becoming such a chore.

I am at a loss. I am dead. I am NOTHING.

How can it be? The sight of him does this to me? How can it be? That I cannot for long stay focused.

I feel like I need a cigarette. If I were a smoker, I’d appreciate a puff. Sadly I am not.

Yet how do I calm this raging thing inside of me. How do I calm all my senses. Oh God help me.

The root cause is so stupid.

Sometimes I think he doesn’t love me at all for him to be angry at such small insane details. Whilst I always hold my temper, forgive all his faults, he on the other hand gets angry at every little single thing. I have never rant and raved about his faults but he has always had about mine. I had been always kind not to point out the things I so blatantly hate or not like about him. I have never called him names. Yet he always had called me names.

I had always been kind. Yet my kindness is never enough for him. He demands perfection. If God can so love an imperfect me, how come he cannot?

He doesn’t love me. That’s the very logic of it. He says he does, but he doesn’t really.

And I need to stop expecting.