friendship - Cerebral Insights

Friendships

We all have different sets of friends.

I have my elementary friends; my high school friends; my college friends; my Bio friends; my PMS friends; my UPCYM/CRL friends; my friends from various companies I worked with and so forth.

The way I divided my friendship circles is by the time in my life where I met them. Some people divide their friends by the interests they share i.e. movie friends, flow arts friends, travel buddies, etc.

Yesterday, I learned I was part of the “serious” friends of a certain someone. This friend of mine had friends for fun, friends for silliness, friends for non-serious matters and eventually friends for serious stuff.

I don’t really know if it’s a correct label – if I should be offended or be thankful. I don’t think I totally agree with labeling friendships in terms of types of fun level. Does it mean then that serious friends cannot be fun and fun friends cannot be serious? Doesn’t that make the relationships stifling?

I spend serious and light moments with my college friends. I have fun and serious discussions with my UPCYM-CRL friends. My house buddies can both be silly and serious when the situation calls for it.

We all have our own ways of categorizing our friends. For some, it’s as simple as close friends vs acquaintances with close friends sharing everything in their lives and acquaintances being just there in the sidelines.

With the kind of personality I have, I tend to amass friendships from every single point in my journey through life. The number of people I’m close with is countless, but then I’m close with them – sharing my entire life story – only for the moment that we have shared experiences. Once each of us move on to our different life paths, although communication remains mainly thanks to Facebook, the closeness becomes a memory of the past. But I’m glad to know that these friends I have from different circles are both fun, silly and serious when the situation calls for it.

I guess I’m just sad to know that the person I’m projecting will form a huge part of my life in the foreseeable future sees me as nothing more than just a “serious” friend.

Reflections On Friendship

Today I lost a friend. He was battling leukemia. The news came as a shock because I was just asked to pray a few minutes before I was eventually informed that he didn’t make it. He was young. He didn’t seem the likely candidate for the sickness; let alone death.

Although I know he is now in heaven with Jesus still I feel the grief of someone who just lost a dear loved one.

Yet the curious thing about this is that, although he was a friend and we did spend time together back in college, he wasn’t really what I’ll call a dear friend. I knew him but we weren’t really close. Under normal circumstances we will never really meet again unless there’s a reunion of sorts.

I don’t even really follow his Facebook feeds.

Which leads me to ask: of my thousand plus friends in Facebook, how many are people I will really see again in this lifetime? Facebook calls them my friends but I know for a fact only a handful fits the description. Which begs the question – what are friends really?

I’ve had people who were close to me at one point in my life. We shared so many things you would think we would be unseparable. But life happens and we both spread our wings and flew to where our destinies will lead us. As time passed and life took its natural course, we lost touch save for the occassional chit chat in Facebook.

Then I have friends also who I may not really have been close with – merely shared bits and pieces of myself. But as the years passed, the tidbits accumulated and soon we find ourselves in constant contact 10+ years down the road.

Friendship is a curious thing for me. Time in this world is so finite to meet all the past friends who’ve been a part of my life and to meet new people to forge relationships with.

If you’re that friend who I spent an incredibly close season of my life with but now life has drifted us apart, I want you to know how grateful I am for that season we shared. And though we try our best to meet, I think for the moment we have to accept the course that life leads us to.

If you’re that friend who, despite the years, I’ve seen and continued to share bits and pieces of my life with I’d like to think you’re a friend who’s here to stay. For despite the seasons of our lives, we’ve managed to always bridge the gap and find, whatever precious little time we can spare to connect.

And if you are that friend who, as of this moment, the one I share my life with; the one who knows so much about my day to day life, then I hope that life will lead us to remain friends for years to come despite the separate directions we may take in the future. And if life chose to bring us apart then know that I treasure every moment we now spend together.

I don’t think it will be physically possible for me to reconnect with all my friends in this lifetime. I have to accept that majority I may no longer really see. Before, when Facebook was still new, I would post in each friend’s individual wall a holiday greeting followed by a follow-up chikka question. But as my friend list grew that became insanely impossible.

But there is still hope. If one day, when the time comes, I’ll see all this friends I care about in heaven. Where forever exist, where time becomes immaterial and where there are countless opportunities to catch up, relive old memories and forge new ones.

So friend, I sure hope I see you in heaven someday. Getting there is easy. It’s a matter of accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior.

But then again, this is just my belief. My faith. I cannot force you into it. And if you know me well enough, I will never force this on you. Yes I want to see you in heaven but I won’t force you to believe what I believe.

I can only share what I know. It’s still your decision. But know this – I love you no matter what you choose.

Admission and Saving a Friendship

For the past days I avoided him like the plague. I valued my sanity. I guarded my heart. I know he noticed – how from being closed friends I suddenly turned cold. But I cannot help it. I do not want gossip. I do not want people to murmur.

And yet I pined away for the friendship lost. A good friend in the making seemingly down the drain. I was sad things are over.

Yet I was reminded of the past. Faithful blog posts showed me how capable I am of handling emotions and how my mind can ultimately win over my heart. I’ve been reminded of the instances wherein feelings would develop for friends but for friendship’s sake I have learned – we both have learned – to let go and fight for the friendship. And both parties survived with no casualties.

Talking with another friend, admitting my weaknesses, has shed light that avoidance is not the solution. Friendships are too valuable to be sacrificed in the name of the often deceptive “love”.

And so, I resolve, to give this friendship a shot. And if it comes down to an honest admission – well – what have I got to be afraid of. I’ve been through much worse and survived.

trust

Trust. Funny thing, really.

If there is a shred or shadow of doubt, do you say that you trust the person? If there is any amount or hint of suspicion, can you still say you trust the guy? Shouldn’t trust be something that is sort of absolute? Complete? Either you trust 100% or none at all.

I don’t think trust is something like love – where you leave something for yourself. Trust, as I see it, is one of those things in the world that should be absolute. There is no gray area.

Do you agree? Or disagree? I would love to hear your opinion.

Yes. We haven’t met personally. Yet we do talk about stuff and are surprisingly candid about everything. Surprisingly honest or real. Should there be something that would or must cause me to doubt? Should there be something that must cause me to be cautious?

I know there were always warning bells in this peculiar relationship. Warning bells were constantly ringing, albeit faintly, but always ringing. They serve to remind a past history, a sort of boundary that must not be crossed. Yet to me that was all the warnings were about. There is a boundary. Do not cross. Period. Keep to your side and everything will be fine.

Should there be more reason for caution then apart from this? Should there be now some peculiar going-ons that should be investigated? Brought out in the open and exposed? In short, why was a hint of doubt planted now? A seed that threatens to grow.

Optimism has always been my life. Though I may be a likely candidate for depression given all the trials that ravaged my life, still I believe in a generally wonderful world. I still believe in the good inherent in every person though I know that man, by nature, is a sinner.

If I cannot trust a person completely, I find it better not to trust at all. Better not to trust than to do so and have a shadow of doubt that will always threaten to shroud your relationship with animosity and negative feelings; zapping the joy that was suppose to be there.

I think I believe in something pure in this tainted world. Or maybe I long for purity, even though I myself am an impure being. Yet with all my friendships, when I think about all the ones I’ve made, I have always formulated a strong sense of trust in each of them – trust that I know they will never forsake me in my direst moments. Of course I have never really been given the chance to test that but I like to trust them absolutely none the less. And for those friends who’ve broken that trust just once, I must say, they are no longer my friends. I never trusted them again – let alone talk to them unless otherwise absolutely necessary.

Life for me is better if I am filled with trust than doubt.

So now I long to erase the negativity created by the topic we just talked about. I long to reinstate the absolute trust I had in him that I had to fight for so long despite all the remonstrations from those around me not to trust him. (Funny. I remember another person online told me I could trust him and I know I could but we never really got close as with this person telling me not to trust him.)

And his word that I could trust him should be enough. Must and would be enough. For there would no other way for him to prove I could trust him. Yet thousands to prove I can’t.

***

addendum: I just realized while thinking back over everything that has happened to me, even though I get to have the reason not to trust someone, I do not generalize it. I do not carry a grudge to the whole of humanity just because of the folly of one. I am a believer in all things pure I guess. To my good or my bad, well only my experiences would tell.

muah

Muah. Mwah.

Many versions. One meaning.

In chat lingo, muah or mwah would mean a kiss – on the cheek, on the forehead, on the hand or on the lips – it’s up to the recipient to decide. Sometimes, the term would also mean a loud cry but more often than not it means a kiss.

For us, it is our SOP on good byes. Mwah from him, muah from me. Our good byes are never complete without it. Before I was hesistant when he first used the term. I thought he was again overstepping his boundaries. But after knowing him for several months now, and after all the conversations we’ve shared, the term has become a welcome respite. Our conversations would never be complete without its utterance during our temporary farewells.

My world would not be complete without that endearment.

It really is interesting how far we’ve managed to come – from my entries over my angst about how we cannot be, to my angst about how hateful his actions were, then to my entries on how possible and interesting it had been for a purely platonic, albeit fraternal, friendship to sprung up between us. Indeed we have come a long way.

My prediction was true. My initially very close relationship with the other would wither to the level of acquaintances, just like with so many other close friendships I’ve had but my relationship with him would continue to blossom to something beyond what we ever thought possible. Not romantic, that really is not possible, but to something more than just simple friendship.

I can recall our conversation when he said he wanted something more than friendship. I said that was impossible. Not only is he miles away but he is attached already. Although he wasn’t quite able to nail exactly the relationship he wanted, I believe that what we have now is exactly what he was referring to. We’ve moved to it unconsciously, aided by the disaster we had to go through. We have a kind of closeness that perhaps borders to romanticism but will never quite reach that point for we both know that that path is not for us. Rather we choose to create another kind of friendship that will enable us to remain close minus all the romantic feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all just me or that’s also how he thinks. Time has been tricky and we never got to talk as much as we want or did like before. But I hope that we are of the same mind regarding what we have. I do not know if what I’m doing is morally right or morally sound or even ethically acceptable. I have known that what feels right is not always right, however, what seems wrong is also not always wrong.

So I remain at limbo over this unusual relationship.We remain brother and sister to each other – CLOSE brother and sister – even if we are not blood relations (in fact we haven’t really met face to face and seldom hear each other’s voice!). Time only knows how this curious relationship will unfold but I know deep down, somewhere in the recesses of my overly-convoluted mind, that when I meet him, the guy I will cherish forever, I may have to let him, the closest thing I’ve come to a brother, go. But why bother worrying over the future. I have today and today is what I will cherish for as long as it chooses to last.

**PS

I feel this post will not be complete without mentioning that there is also a guy where mwah is his form of saying hello. I find it quite endearing also. 😀

**PPS

That’s it. I must now rest and tide the ebb of words for another time. My vision sways before me and my motor skills lag – a clear indicament that blood circulation is deftly compromised.

Levels of Friendship

Minsan iniisip ko meron akong sariling mundo at loner ako na maituturing. Minsan iniisip ko wala talagang mga tao na matatawang ko na aking kaibigan. Marami ang alam kong tututol. Sasabihin nila na isa akong friendly at outgoing na tao. Tama din naman sila. Noong estudyante ako, ako yung tipong campus leader na marunong makihalubilo sa lahat ng tao sa eskwelahan – mapa-estudyante, guro o personnel man yan. Kaya sino ang mag-aakala o maniniwala na loner ako. Pero sadyang ganun nga tingin ko sa sarili ko. Napansin ko ito ng mas nagustuhan ko ang day shift sa aking trabaho kung saan konti lang ang tao. Parang pag-mamay-ari ko ang buong kumpanya. Walang masyadong tao. Pwedeng pwede ako kumain na ako lang mag-isa sa buong pantry. Possibleng-possible na pag ako nag-break, wala ng ibang tao akong makikita kundi ang mga guard at janitors. Mapag-isa nga ata akong tao. Loner nga ata ako.

Pero kung iisipin ko din naman, madami akong naging kaibigan. Sa bawat punto at aspeto ng buhay ko, sa bawat lugar na napuntahan ko o social network na napabilangan, masasabi ko na nagkaroon ako ng mga close na kaibigan. Kaya nga madami ang mga ka-Friendster at Facebook ko. At marami sa kanila galing sa iba’t-ibang lugar. At kahit totoo nga na kapag umalis ako sa isang lugar at hindi ko na nakita araw-araw ang kaibigan na to ay nawawalan na kami ng komunikasyon at hindi na nagiging close, alam ko pa rin na may kaibigan akong matuturing sa tao na yun. Alam ko rin na kapag dumating sa punto na kailangan nya ako o kailangan ko sya, pwede pa rin namin takbuhan ang isa’t isa.

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