Tag: trust

risk risk risk

It is past 3 in the morning and I am still up. The day promises to be an even busier one. But I cannot sleep. Not with all this worries and apprehensions plaguing my mind. I hate that word – worry. The Bible specifically warns against it. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel it.

Then again, what should I be worrying about? If I consider everything there really is nothing to worry about in this world – if only I could see things in His perspective.

Then again what is eating me. Tomorrow, or specifically in less than 12 hours time, I may or I may not have my own website. I have already bought my own domain. I now own cerebralinsights.com. If you click on it, you will see that it is still nothing. I have no host yet. I already have an account with a free webhost service, but I am too tired to figure them out.

Then again, I have been offered by a client (yes, a client) to be hosted in his hosting service for free. But warnings from friends made the offer sound too good to be true. If I host my site in his server, I risk losing all my files (in case he decides to steal them) or I risk another person controlling the contents of my blogs.

Sigh. Then again, I find myself asking – what is the risk? How precious or how attached have I become to my writings? Am I not prepared to lose them all? For starters, I don’t really back up all my blogs. I mean, my hard drive has limited capacity and I see no sense in containing my blog posts in it. Also, I can always replace my posts – not replicate them in exact fashion but write something similar, perhaps. And most importantly, losing my writings will not in any way diminish who I am as a writer nor stop me from writing.

I would just have to start from scratch in that sense.

So I guess it all boils down to how much I trust this person. Well even this blog entry is a risk considering he may be able to read it. Thinking back, everything I did in life involved some small amount of risk. Trusting people have always been risky and I have never been afraid of that particular risk – blame the D4DR mutation. (Even the prospect of approaching a snake for the sake of conquering my phobia appeals to me – again we have the D4DR gene to blame).

Now, can I rest well knowing tomorrow, or in a few hours time, I yet again make a big risk in my life? Perhaps. Then again, there are bigger risks out there that I must start worrying (again, I hate the term but why do I use it to describe what I feel) about. Next week, I hope to start my application for a position in the academe. I have lamented the past previous days how I am unable to hold a job for long – how even the vast world of freelancing has lost its appeal for me. My sister tells me that I need a job with a constantly shifting environment, as I tend to bore easily. So next week, is yet again a new adventure.

Well dear reader. If in the next couple of hours or days you find yourself staring at cerebralinsights.com then that means that one way or another I have managed to secure my host – how? Well expect a post on that, perhaps. And wish me luck or better yet guidance and protection. (My Christian upbringing still shines through at certain times even in the terms I use.)

So now I rest. Confident that whatever happens, whatever the outcome is – all will be well.

trust

Trust. Funny thing, really.

 

If there is a shred or shadow of doubt, do you say that you trust the person? If there is any amount or hint of suspicion, can you still say you trust the guy? Shouldn’t trust be something that is sort of absolute? Complete? Either you trust 100% or none at all.

 

I don’t think trust is something like love – where you leave something for yourself. Trust, as I see it, is one of those things in the world that should be absolute. There is no gray area.

 

Do you agree? Or disagree? I would love to hear your opinion.

 

Yes. We haven’t met personally. Yet we do talk about stuff and are surprisingly candid about everything. Surprisingly honest or real. Should there be something that would or must cause me to doubt? Should there be something that must cause me to be cautious?

 

I know there were always warning bells in this peculiar relationship. Warning bells were constantly ringing, albeit faintly, but always ringing. They serve to remind a past history, a sort of boundary that must not be crossed. Yet to me that was all the warnings were about. There is a boundary. Do not cross. Period. Keep to your side and everything will be fine.

 

Should there be more reason for caution then apart from this? Should there be now some peculiar going-ons that should be investigated? Brought out in the open and exposed? In short, why was a hint of doubt planted now? A seed that threatens to grow.

 

Optimism has always been my life. Though I may be a likely candidate for depression given all the trials that ravaged my life, still I believe in a generally wonderful world. I still believe in the good inherent in every person though I know that man, by nature, is a sinner.

 

If I cannot trust a person completely, I find it better not to trust at all. Better not to trust than to do so and have a shadow of doubt that will always threaten to shroud your relationship with animosity and negative feelings; zapping the joy that was suppose to be there.

 

I think I believe in something pure in this tainted world. Or maybe I long for purity, even though I myself am an impure being. Yet with all my friendships, when I think about all the ones I’ve made, I have always formulated a strong sense of trust in each of them – trust that I know they will never forsake me in my direst moments. Of course I have never really been given the chance to test that but I like to trust them absolutely none the less. And for those friends who’ve broken that trust just once, I must say, they are no longer my friends. I never trusted them again – let alone talk to them unless otherwise absolutely necessary.

 

Life for me is better if I am filled with trust than doubt.

 

So now I long to erase the negativity created by the topic we just talked about. I long to reinstate the absolute trust I had in him that I had to fight for so long despite all the remonstrations from those around me not to trust him. (Funny. I remember another person online told me I could trust him and I know I could but we never really got close as with this person telling me not to trust him.)

 

And his word that I could trust him should be enough. Must and would be enough. For there would no other way for him to prove I could trust him. Yet thousands to prove I can’t.

 

***

addendum: I just realized while thinking back over everything that has happened to me, even though I get to have the reason not to trust someone, I do not generalize it. I do not carry a grudge to the whole of humanity just because of the folly of one. I am a believer in all things pure I guess. To my good or my bad, well only my experiences would tell.