During my quiet moments (which can be quite a lot), I tend to think about whether it would be best to avoid a life that may lead to regret or to live a life even though you may probably regret it in the end. Vague statement, I know, but it can be clarified without exposing too much.
Suppose you love somebody else, or maybe you haven’t really found the person you could spend your entire life with, but then you are afraid to grow old alone or have your reproductive years pass you by, would you settle for second best – that is learn to love and marry someone just so you could have someone to grow old with and a family to show for it?
You would probably say yes. After all, who knows what could happen in the future, right? For all we know, you could end up happily married with the person you married turning out to be your true love even if in the beginning he or she wasn’t who you imagined.
But what if the other scenario happens? What if, after years of marriage, you find out that despite the fact that you love your kids and you’ve loved your wife or husband, it just isn’t enough. That you know there is something else out there. That contentment forever eludes you. That you feel you cannot bear to think of growing old with your partner. Worst, what if the love of your life came along. Late but at least he or she came. What would you do? Would you pursue that love, the one you know and feel would bring you happiness (the heart and the mind says so) or would you remain in the loveless marriage which has soured over the years?
I guess, you would again answer – pursue what would make you happy. Even if life seems to have been cruel in the end, bringing your true love at a time when all seemed lost and too late, still there had been happy years – memories worthwhile. So you may argue that life had not been wasted after all.
But wouldn’t it be so much better had you been entirely sure in the beginning that this is it. That he or she is the one. Wouldn’t that have saved all the trouble? Again, you may argue, how would you know if you wouldn’t give it a try?
I guess I wouldn’t. But then that is why I have made guidelines for myself. They are not harsh guidelines. I do not require some perfect guy. But I do have standards. Crazy, some may say. Some may even argue that my outlook would end up with me not finding anyone. Believe me, I have been admonished a thousand times.
Yet, I can’t help but think that I would rather face the perspective of growing old alone than lead an unhappy married life that I am bound to regret later. Or make reckless decisions that would cause me pain. I know life is not life if there is no pain and hurts but I also know that there is a way to avoid so much pain that one cannot bear. Then again, I will never be alone. I know I won’t.
But enough of this silly chatter. I still have years ahead of me. And I am confident he will find me. I am sure He will make certain of it.
***
My apologies for the title. I know it is the exact opposite of the view I had just expressed. I guess when I was thinking of a title, the suggestion that popped to mind was an admonition.
Minsan iniisip ko meron akong sariling mundo at loner ako na maituturing. Minsan iniisip ko wala talagang mga tao na matatawang ko na aking kaibigan. Marami ang alam kong tututol. Sasabihin nila na isa akong friendly at outgoing na tao. Tama din naman sila. Noong estudyante ako, ako yung tipong campus leader na marunong makihalubilo sa lahat ng tao sa eskwelahan – mapa-estudyante, guro o personnel man yan. Kaya sino ang mag-aakala o maniniwala na loner ako. Pero sadyang ganun nga tingin ko sa sarili ko. Napansin ko ito ng mas nagustuhan ko ang day shift sa aking trabaho kung saan konti lang ang tao. Parang pag-mamay-ari ko ang buong kumpanya. Walang masyadong tao. Pwedeng pwede ako kumain na ako lang mag-isa sa buong pantry. Possibleng-possible na pag ako nag-break, wala ng ibang tao akong makikita kundi ang mga guard at janitors. Mapag-isa nga ata akong tao. Loner nga ata ako.