Tag: honesty

Admission and Saving a Friendship

For the past days I avoided him like the plague. I valued my sanity. I guarded my heart. I know he noticed – how from being closed friends I suddenly turned cold. But I cannot help it. I do not want gossip. I do not want people to murmur. 

And yet I pined away for the friendship lost. A good friend in the making seemingly down the drain. I was sad things are over. 

Yet I was reminded of the past. Faithful blog posts showed me how capable I am of handling emotions and how my mind can ultimately win over my heart. I’ve been reminded of the instances wherein feelings would develop for friends but for friendship’s sake I have learned – we both have learned – to let go and fight for the friendship. And both parties survived with no casualties. 

Talking with another friend, admitting my weaknesses, has shed light that avoidance is not the solution. Friendships are too valuable to be sacrificed in the name of the often deceptive “love”. 

And so, I resolve, to give this friendship a shot. And if it comes down to an honest admission – well – what have I got to be afraid of. I’ve been through much worse and survived.

scared sh*tless

That’s what I feel right now. Not because it’s Halloween – I don’t believe in ghosts in the sense of all the horror stories the media has fed us with but rather because of all the lies I’ve been forced to commit the past days and because of the prospect of seeing her. Apparently, and ethically that is, I have to explain to her why I opted out. And I fear that encounter.

Not that she is scary (which in fact she is) but I hate the prospect of lying again. She didn’t became my friend or someone I can safely confide in. My superior in my previous work was someone whom I have formed bonds with and I can confide in him the real reason for my resignation. And though lies were needed to sort of cover my tracks, at least I knew someone knew the truth. Then again the HR of this last company was another person I can safely confide with and so it was easy for me to tell him the truth even though again I needed to lie to cover both our asses.

But this next person I have to talk to, I’m afraid I must muster enough courage to tell her the acceptable reason I’ve concocted for my resignation.

You see I am allergic to lies. I am not allergic to foods like chicken or fish or even to dust and fibers but when it comes to lies, I have a very hard time coping up. My parents raised me to adhere to honesty and integrity so much that I would rather get scolded and punished than lie. I can never keep a straight face while outright lying.

I hope there was some other way out of my predicament than procuring all those white lies which are lies whichever way you look at it. Although there is a shred of truth to them, I can’t still shake off the feeling that I’ve been lying all along and someday I may pay for them. I have repented, yes. But my conscience still gets the best of me.

I hope this is over soon. I can lie no longer.

And I am scared shitless (pardon the language).

intregrity compromised

Ganito ba talaga pag nagtratrabaho na? Darating ka sa isang punto na mamimili ka kung konsensya o pera ang paiiralin mo? Kung magiging practical ka o gagawin mo ang alam mo na tama?

Simple lang naman ang nangyari. Wala naman holiday last payroll, at wala din naman akong approved OT last payroll pero sa payslip meron akong additional 152 pesos dahil sa special holiday OT.

Masaya di ba? Nadagdagan ng 152 ang sahod ko. Pero nakakalungkot. Kasi pakiramdam ko nasusukat ang integridad ko bilang tao. At sinusubukan ang pagka-Kristiyano ko.

Oo na. Inaamin ko. Hindi na ako mabuting Kristiyano kagaya noon. Hindi na ako nagdadasal at matagal na matagal na since huli akong nag-quiet time. Lasingera na rin ako at hindi na nagsisimba. Pero buo parin naman ang loob ko at and konsensya ko at ang bagay na to, sobrang hindi kinakaya ng sarili ko.

Nagsabi na ako sa sup ko. Sabi ko hindi kaya ng konsensya ko na wag magreklamo. Ikinagulat nya yun. Kung nabawasan ang sweldo ko ng hindi tama sa oras, alam ko na magrereklamo talaga ako. Aba! Wala naman may gusto na maging underpaid di ba? Pero bakit kaya pag overpaid ka, walang gusto magreklamo? Sabi ng sup ko, nangyayari talaga yan. Pabayaan ko na daw kasi di ko na yun problema. Wag na daw ako magreklamo.

I guess I don’t have much support from that area. But then again, I cannot take this. My conscience is screaming at me! I feel like if I passed up this situation, my integrity might be, again, corrupted. (I feel that it has been corrupted by all the cheating issues back in trainig days and with the required exams we need to take).

And once corruption starts, it will continue on. It will be like a worm, first eating a small hole that would gradually grow larger. If my conscience can take to be silent on this small instances, what would happen when the amount becomes larger? Or the instance becomes graver. Isn’t this exact scenario the case why there is corruption in the country.

Being dishonest in small things lead us or train us to become dishonest in bigger things. You may say I am over-reacting over a meager amount of 152 pesos but the fact is I am really disturbed. I am. I even had to go on break and blog about this just so I can air out my sentiments.

***

Apologies to those who I know would be shocked by the outburst on my spiritual state now. Friends, I am but human, and though I know this is not a valid excuse, forgive me for I do err.