Tag: friendships

afraid of losing you

I’m in my station. Wala na akong work. But since there is no other means to do what I want to do, what I need to do, here I am taking advantage of the resources offered. I just hope I don’t get caught or reprimanded.

How can it be that in the span of less than 6 months, people living in far off geos have become my friend? And not just acquaintances but close friends who know all the twists and turns of my current emotional state of mind. I guess I have a knack of having anyone whom I can talk to on a regular basis, become my close friend.

And so I found myself two nice friends, from a land 10 hours from where I am, and whose faces I’ve never glimpsed at apart from online photos and whose voices I’ve never heard apart from one or two instances over the phone – and it was all business we talked about at that time.

So how come they are my friends now and I feel so – I’m surprised at the word – scared to lose both of them? How come that a sudden whisper of a misunderstanding, a sudden glimmer of havoc, had caused me so much pain that my eyes watered, my heart constricted and my train of thoughts became muddled?

How come that it is so probable that I will never ever meet them in my lifetime, never ever really be part of their physical lives, but yet still hold them dear and close to my heart? How come I am scared of losing them?

I tell myself, I will be leaving this company in 4 months time at the least. Hopefully the New Year will find me in a different company, a different line of work, a different career. When that time comes, all regular communications to them would most probably stop. Without constant communication there will be no friendship. Close friendship that is.

And time will continue pushing us further apart until everything is just a distant blur of a memory. And the close friendship has been reduced to just casual acquaintance.

That is what will probably happen. How things will most probably end. Much as I don’t want things to end that way, but then I suppose that is reality.

And given that reality why should I even care so much? Hurt so much? Delight so much? Why waste a whole busload of emotions on this?

Guess I’m not really made of ice after all.

On Friendships and Knowing Myself Further

Sometimes I think I pretty much know myself – in and out. But then there are instances when I discover that there is still something in me I do not quite understand. For example, why am I embarrassed to face anyone or to be friends with anyone who gives me grades or something.

I know when I was in college, even in high school, that I dread facing my teachers whenever I get a low score or a low grade. Or when I fail to perform as expected. I triply dread the deal more when that teacher happened to be someone whom I knew as a person before I knew of him or her as my teacher – if you get my drift. And the same thing transpired to QA’s and audit scores.

I know that in a workplace everything is professional and nothing is personal. It is just professionalism if a friend, who happens to be your superior as well, will mark you down or give you a low score or a reprimand. It is not a personal issue; it is just a professional matter. Logically, I am aware of this. But then when I got my second failed audit from my QA, I admit that I wasn’t able to face her for days, much less to talk to her. Deep down I was ashamed of myself for failing and meriting such a low score. Of course, this was an opportunity for improvement or learning and I can see it as such (I took to heart my markdowns so I won’t repeat them). But the fact still remains that I was embarrassed to talk to her or even face her and ask her about the audit.

And such was my hesitation when my next QA started becoming my friend. At first I didn’t want to befriend him since I knew he would be one of my QA’s and he would be auditing my calls. For me, it was embarrassing if I make another goof up in a call. Of course, the other side to that was the challenge to always do good in every call so as not to embarrass myself.

Now why would I have such anxieties that even friendships would be sacrificed? The only reason I could see as of now is the fact that I have been raised up with people all around me expecting a lot from me. Being the eldest amongst three, I was constantly reminded to be a model sister. Finding out that I could excel in school, I was always under the constant pressure to prove my performance. Maybe it stemmed from that – the constant pressure to always be at my best because to not do so would mean others’ disappointment.

I remember my ComSci teacher back in high school, he would always appear sad whenever I was not the highest in class, or the fastest to finish a computer program exercise. It was sort of disconcerting to see him that way. And I know that if my classmates didn’t know me any better, they would think that I was really a teacher’s pet. But they know I hated the attention as well. So I guess it boils down to that – the fear to disappoint. Or maybe to be labeled as incompetent. I know it is illogical to think such but it seems there is a part of me that thinks like that.

Hmm…this shows that there are some parts of me that have yet to grow up.

Blogging about Me

I realized that my entries as of late are mostly philosophical in nature. They start off as observations or recounts of my daily adventures then branch out into musings and opinions on the country’s present situation.

Well, for a change I’ve decided to write something about myself.

For starters, I wonder what people really think or perceive about me. Not that I really care or that their sentiments would greatly affect me, but then, I still wonder. A conversation with a friend from work made me wonder as such. Here was how the conversation went:

Me: Inaantok ako, sobra.

Friend: Baka buntis ka.

Me: Ano yun parthenogenesis*? *scientific term for immaculate conception

Friend: Oo.

Me: Ayoko nun. Walang thrill.

Silence.

Friend: Wow. First time.

Maybe because we’ve only discussed philosophical things before that conversation took place, and as such the reason for my friend’s surprise. But then I know that a lot of people would be really surprised by my comment. Walang thrill pala ha?

I know a lot of people view me as reserved, conservative or maybe even prude. I know they think of me as a goody-two-shoes type of person – especially the people at work. I do not smoke, though I drink. I do not commit abuses at work and I do not malign my customers. I seldom do. I also tend to appear sweet and innocent, I guess.

And it made me think of how many people out there, who I consider my friends, really know me for who I am. Not just the me they think of, or the me, that is apparently the Mary Sunshine to the community, but also the me who is reckless and wild. Not that I am THAT reckless and wild, but then I hope you get my point.

I’ve read in another person’s blog how he viewed himself as being socially challenged due to his perception that he is lacking in friends. He surmised how anyone ever texts him anymore. I am then led to wonder if I myself am lacking in real friendships. Not that I am socially challenged – I’m afraid I’m too outgoing to be such. I can strike up a conversation with anyone I chose to – bring up a topic out of thin air. Yet I admit I also don’t have regular textmates – people who send me text messages on a daily basis, that is, conversational text messages and not forwarded quotes and jokes. But then again, I was never a text person.

Yet, I am a firm believer that the friends I’ve accumulated over the years – friends from elementary, high school, college and all the other branches of society connected with these stages of my education – are there to remain my friends for life despite the lack of communication for years now. It is true that we might not be as close as we once were, but I believe that upon meeting again, years of silence would be breached by a simple smile, a simple hello and hours of non-stop talk about each other’s current lives. I further believe that when I am in dire need, then I can always approach any of them and they would always be willing to help to the best that they can. I mean, I would be willing to help them and I believe the same is true the other way around.

Maybe I am idealistic. I haven’t really tried any of the scenarios above. As my life keeps moving on to its different stages, and as I keep on changing scenarios and environments with each stage of life, I’ve been on the non-stop process of creating friends in each new environment and leaving them behind when I move on to the next environment. Some of them, I still maintain occasional communication, some of them I haven’t spoken to for years. But then I always seem to strike up a conversation once I meet a friend from my past and if he or she gets to remain in my current sphere, then good and fine for we are able to resume our friendship. If not, then we get to be just like two good old friends, meeting up then parting ways again.

So perhaps I am indeed a social creature – a social being who can always create friends wherever she is and who have no qualms moving on to a different sphere to forge more friendships. Yet I know that I am also a solitary and fiercely independent person deep down and as such, that might be the reason why I have no difficulties leaving friendships behind.

Yet for all the friends that I have, and for the large number of people connected to me in all the various networking sites I’m a member of, I remain sad that only a few ever finds themselves amongst the pages of my blog. Maybe I should do unto others what I want others to do unto me – and that is visit their blog sites, and comment on them. Maybe. No promises here.