Tag: responsibilities

On Friendships and Knowing Myself Further

Sometimes I think I pretty much know myself – in and out. But then there are instances when I discover that there is still something in me I do not quite understand. For example, why am I embarrassed to face anyone or to be friends with anyone who gives me grades or something.

I know when I was in college, even in high school, that I dread facing my teachers whenever I get a low score or a low grade. Or when I fail to perform as expected. I triply dread the deal more when that teacher happened to be someone whom I knew as a person before I knew of him or her as my teacher – if you get my drift. And the same thing transpired to QA’s and audit scores.

I know that in a workplace everything is professional and nothing is personal. It is just professionalism if a friend, who happens to be your superior as well, will mark you down or give you a low score or a reprimand. It is not a personal issue; it is just a professional matter. Logically, I am aware of this. But then when I got my second failed audit from my QA, I admit that I wasn’t able to face her for days, much less to talk to her. Deep down I was ashamed of myself for failing and meriting such a low score. Of course, this was an opportunity for improvement or learning and I can see it as such (I took to heart my markdowns so I won’t repeat them). But the fact still remains that I was embarrassed to talk to her or even face her and ask her about the audit.

And such was my hesitation when my next QA started becoming my friend. At first I didn’t want to befriend him since I knew he would be one of my QA’s and he would be auditing my calls. For me, it was embarrassing if I make another goof up in a call. Of course, the other side to that was the challenge to always do good in every call so as not to embarrass myself.

Now why would I have such anxieties that even friendships would be sacrificed? The only reason I could see as of now is the fact that I have been raised up with people all around me expecting a lot from me. Being the eldest amongst three, I was constantly reminded to be a model sister. Finding out that I could excel in school, I was always under the constant pressure to prove my performance. Maybe it stemmed from that – the constant pressure to always be at my best because to not do so would mean others’ disappointment.

I remember my ComSci teacher back in high school, he would always appear sad whenever I was not the highest in class, or the fastest to finish a computer program exercise. It was sort of disconcerting to see him that way. And I know that if my classmates didn’t know me any better, they would think that I was really a teacher’s pet. But they know I hated the attention as well. So I guess it boils down to that – the fear to disappoint. Or maybe to be labeled as incompetent. I know it is illogical to think such but it seems there is a part of me that thinks like that.

Hmm…this shows that there are some parts of me that have yet to grow up.

Braindead

Some people ask for promotion to gain more power or more influence. Some ask for promotion to get paid a higher salary. Still some ask for promotion to gain more popularity, credit or prestige. Not me.

I want to be promoted to ask for more workload; more assignments; more responsibility.

Call me work alcoholic, or insane or addicted. Call me whatever you like but deep down, the reason I want promotion so much is not so I could earn more, or be powerful or prestigious in the company but because I am so dead panned bored in what I am doing now.

I can say that I am a very adventurous person – well of course to a certain limit. But I like adventure none the less and I like feeling challenged most of the time. My life as a student was not a tad boring – I went out of my way to try various things to spice up my academic life. I was not content to just study my lessons and pass my exams (or even ace them). For me student life is to be defined by the number of activities you got to try; the number of places you got to visit in the name of academic exposure; the number of people you get to meet in various settings brought about by your extracurricular activities.

No wonder I exposed myself to student bodies and organizing committees; to school papers and school productions. No wonder when I was in college, I applied for 7 organizations in my first semester! Imagine seven! Each organization in UP has a set standard for how you will become a member – tambay hours, service hours, sig sheets, talent nights, costume weeks, etc. And to top all this I still have my acads to attend too. That was how busy I made my life as a student be.

There was never a dull moment as far as I’m concerned because I was always busy with something. My social network expanded like rapid fire due to the various and different natures of the orgs I was part of.

There were times when I became tired of all the hectic-ness (?) I turned my life into. There were times when I wished I could have been just a simple person, with simple wants, and living a very laid back and simple student life. But then right after wishing and dreaming of those things, and perhaps spending a day or two in quiet isolation, I would be back on the hectic midst of it all. I revel in the busyness of my life back then.

Imagine, my chagrin, when after merely 4 months into this job, I was already bored out of my mind. To think I even defended my line of job from my other friends who were also BPO agents, telling them that being a TSR is the most challenging of all accounts in the BPO industry since the TS issues are never same. Well, look at where I am at now. Yes, I am not handling account issues of customers (which I believe I won’t last a month of) but the technical issues they have are also pretty much the same. There are even times when I would already preempt the customer for the exact error or the exact issue since admittedly different individuals have different ways of describing the same issue.

And the very occasional, once-in-a-blue moon, unique issue – a question perhaps on how a less common feature of the product works – is like an oasis in a parched desert – bringing refreshment to my otherwise dead neurons.

I do not mean to brag. One might think I have perfect metrics to be claiming that I am bored with what I am doing – I don’t. My metrics are not perfect. There is still room for improvement, I know. And I still have a lot to learn – there is in fact a promotional post that I deem unworthy to aspire for due to lack of technical knowledge and skill. Yet the fact remains that with where I am at now, I am already bored.

And without my blog and the books I’m reading, or at least trying to, my neurons might be rotting away from lack of exercise; my soul from lack of challenge. And it doesn’t help a bit that I am without any extra-work activities (a parallel of my extracurricular activities) at this point in time. The culprit: my schedule which my body, I believe, is still adjusting to.

This, I guess, is part of the real world I have longed so much for when I was a student. Well, then, I guess all I could say to myself is: Welcome to the REAL world.