Tag: self-awareness

who am I?

I asked my friend, who I thought new me already since I share basically my thoughts with him, about who he thinks I am. He keeps on telling me that he thought he had me all figured out then I would suddenly surprise him with a new facet of my personality.

So I asked him: what is it about me that you have already figure out?

I wish I haven’t asked. 

He said I am eager to please and am easily impressed. He said I have insight that was advanced for my years yet I am still childish and hardheaded. He said I am rebellious because I want my points heard. He said I was smart, eloquent and loyal to a fault. And I thought he was my like my living personal blog. I’m afraid I must be mistaken. Or maybe I cannot now see who I am? 

I emailed him. Demanded an explanation of why he thought I was such. I mean where did he pick those up? There were still a lot of other qualities mentioned. I guess I’ll post them when he has actually stated why they are what they are. 

In any case, one point of his caught my mind as I was again travelling home this morning with the morning breeze blowing against my face. He said I tend to avoid conflicts that’s why I was eager to please. At first I begged to disagree. I don’t like messy fights but I do not back down from conflicts. Just this evening, I emailed our  Program Manager and gave him a piece of my mind about the new AHT ratings they suddenly implemented in the middle of the month, catching everyone by surprise because they didn’t b0ther to give a preliminary explanation about the new rating system. 

No. I do not back down from conflicts. I face them when they are there. But I guess if it can be avoided I do avoid it. I was never the one who created conflicts or willingly throw myself into them. I prefer maintaining a rather neutral standpoint if I could. I realize that as much as I am assertive and outspoken in certain things, I am quite meek and reserved in some. For example, if a jeepney has taken a peso more from my fare, I do not really complain. If I have money to spare I just let it go thinking that the driver could probably use a spare and I wasn’t aggravated that much. Of course, for other people, like my sister, she finds this terribly annoying. She asks for her change and discount down to the last cent. I guess it’s really different for everyone – their outlook on what right should be asserted on and what should right could be forgo. 

I am curious as to how he will defend the other traits he said defined me. He got some of them right. But some, I think, are wrong. But then he said it was all based on our conversations. Maybe I am turning into someone I do not know? 

Being the introspective person that I am, I do not think so. More than anyone else, even my blogs, it is me who knows who I am.

So who am I?

I'm Spiderman... :D
I'm Spiderman... 😀

On Friendships and Knowing Myself Further

Sometimes I think I pretty much know myself – in and out. But then there are instances when I discover that there is still something in me I do not quite understand. For example, why am I embarrassed to face anyone or to be friends with anyone who gives me grades or something.

I know when I was in college, even in high school, that I dread facing my teachers whenever I get a low score or a low grade. Or when I fail to perform as expected. I triply dread the deal more when that teacher happened to be someone whom I knew as a person before I knew of him or her as my teacher – if you get my drift. And the same thing transpired to QA’s and audit scores.

I know that in a workplace everything is professional and nothing is personal. It is just professionalism if a friend, who happens to be your superior as well, will mark you down or give you a low score or a reprimand. It is not a personal issue; it is just a professional matter. Logically, I am aware of this. But then when I got my second failed audit from my QA, I admit that I wasn’t able to face her for days, much less to talk to her. Deep down I was ashamed of myself for failing and meriting such a low score. Of course, this was an opportunity for improvement or learning and I can see it as such (I took to heart my markdowns so I won’t repeat them). But the fact still remains that I was embarrassed to talk to her or even face her and ask her about the audit.

And such was my hesitation when my next QA started becoming my friend. At first I didn’t want to befriend him since I knew he would be one of my QA’s and he would be auditing my calls. For me, it was embarrassing if I make another goof up in a call. Of course, the other side to that was the challenge to always do good in every call so as not to embarrass myself.

Now why would I have such anxieties that even friendships would be sacrificed? The only reason I could see as of now is the fact that I have been raised up with people all around me expecting a lot from me. Being the eldest amongst three, I was constantly reminded to be a model sister. Finding out that I could excel in school, I was always under the constant pressure to prove my performance. Maybe it stemmed from that – the constant pressure to always be at my best because to not do so would mean others’ disappointment.

I remember my ComSci teacher back in high school, he would always appear sad whenever I was not the highest in class, or the fastest to finish a computer program exercise. It was sort of disconcerting to see him that way. And I know that if my classmates didn’t know me any better, they would think that I was really a teacher’s pet. But they know I hated the attention as well. So I guess it boils down to that – the fear to disappoint. Or maybe to be labeled as incompetent. I know it is illogical to think such but it seems there is a part of me that thinks like that.

Hmm…this shows that there are some parts of me that have yet to grow up.