Where is he? Where is he? Indeed where is he? Or maybe who is he? When will I meet him? How my heart cries out for him. This time it is a him and not a Him. But maybe I should really be pining for a Him as it is only Him who will bring him to me. I need to know him. Please. So I can end all the madness brought about by other unworthy candidates and at least prevent the gush of blood from my bleeding heart. Tsk. Cheesy. No I am never cheesy. At least I like to think so myself. I am after all, aptly described by someone as an ice queen. Cool, rational and cold like ice. Better make my heart like ice as well. Then again nice to find out soon enough before the heart bled to death. What am I doing? Getting distracted again when deadlines are snapping at my heels. But I thought he will bring relief and give inspiration to proceed with work. Well indeed there was inspiration borne out of melancholy, maybe or perhaps, bitterness. No not anger. It is not a worthy or sufficient feeling. There is nothing to be angry about after all. It was a game I entered voluntarily. Blame is on me as much as it was on him. No paragraphs on this entry just as my thoughts are running like fire. Now I must convert all these overzealous neural circuits to the articles I am writing. Boo him.
Category: Love Bug
ups and downs of my so-called “love life”
stumped yet still..
I have another set of deadlines to beat but still I can’t help but post an entry. I am finding the QuickPress option really handy for this quick and short posts. Of course I do not want to get into the habit of posting so short updates. I am always brimming with ideas for those long, mind-boggling yet reflective posts I used to make. But time won’t permit me so all I have to contend myself with is a notes box in my desktop courtesy of Rainmeter with all my blog ideas.
But what reflection do I have today? Somehow it hit my mind that the last pastor I talked to was right. Young professionals do have two simple major concerns in life – career and love life.
As for my career, I can’t say it is a career per se but I am a writer now, well on the way of becoming a full-pledged one. It may not be the journalistic writing I have envisioned for myself but I am still glad I am a writer. For it has always been a dream of mine.
For my love life, well, that’s a big question. I keep telling myself I am not ready for love, that I do not need it at this time, but who am I fooling? I pine for it. That’s the simple truth. So in the lyrics of Natalie and Justin Roman’s song Where Are You :
Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?
so close…
So close.. and still so far.
Browsing through the countless audios in our PC, I came across Jon McLaughlin’s song So Close from the Enchanted OST. This song has been somehow my banner song during my thesis and graduation days – SO CLOSE AND STILL SO FAR. I felt like graduation was just at the tip of my fingers yet it remains unattainable. It still does to this day.
Yet now, after listening to the song again, I came to see in it the meaning for which it was originally intended – a romantic song as depicted by the situation of Robert and Giselle.
Why? Hmm.. 😀
Here are two videos I managed to scrounge up from the ever reliable YouTube.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paLMSoIy3ZA&feature=related]
This is the scene from the movie. I really liked the waltz scene here.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH8WAoRL1xo]
This is an interpreted version of someone. I like her interpretation.
Enjoy! 😀
muah
Muah. Mwah.
Many versions. One meaning.
In chat lingo, muah or mwah would mean a kiss – on the cheek, on the forehead, on the hand or on the lips – it’s up to the recipient to decide. Sometimes, the term would also mean a loud cry but more often than not it means a kiss.
For us, it is our SOP on good byes. Mwah from him, muah from me. Our good byes are never complete without it. Before I was hesistant when he first used the term. I thought he was again overstepping his boundaries. But after knowing him for several months now, and after all the conversations we’ve shared, the term has become a welcome respite. Our conversations would never be complete without its utterance during our temporary farewells.
My world would not be complete without that endearment.
It really is interesting how far we’ve managed to come – from my entries over my angst about how we cannot be, to my angst about how hateful his actions were, then to my entries on how possible and interesting it had been for a purely platonic, albeit fraternal, friendship to sprung up between us. Indeed we have come a long way.
My prediction was true. My initially very close relationship with the other would wither to the level of acquaintances, just like with so many other close friendships I’ve had but my relationship with him would continue to blossom to something beyond what we ever thought possible. Not romantic, that really is not possible, but to something more than just simple friendship.
I can recall our conversation when he said he wanted something more than friendship. I said that was impossible. Not only is he miles away but he is attached already. Although he wasn’t quite able to nail exactly the relationship he wanted, I believe that what we have now is exactly what he was referring to. We’ve moved to it unconsciously, aided by the disaster we had to go through. We have a kind of closeness that perhaps borders to romanticism but will never quite reach that point for we both know that that path is not for us. Rather we choose to create another kind of friendship that will enable us to remain close minus all the romantic feelings.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s all just me or that’s also how he thinks. Time has been tricky and we never got to talk as much as we want or did like before. But I hope that we are of the same mind regarding what we have. I do not know if what I’m doing is morally right or morally sound or even ethically acceptable. I have known that what feels right is not always right, however, what seems wrong is also not always wrong.
So I remain at limbo over this unusual relationship.We remain brother and sister to each other – CLOSE brother and sister – even if we are not blood relations (in fact we haven’t really met face to face and seldom hear each other’s voice!). Time only knows how this curious relationship will unfold but I know deep down, somewhere in the recesses of my overly-convoluted mind, that when I meet him, the guy I will cherish forever, I may have to let him, the closest thing I’ve come to a brother, go. But why bother worrying over the future. I have today and today is what I will cherish for as long as it chooses to last.
**PS
I feel this post will not be complete without mentioning that there is also a guy where mwah is his form of saying hello. I find it quite endearing also. 😀
**PPS
That’s it. I must now rest and tide the ebb of words for another time. My vision sways before me and my motor skills lag – a clear indicament that blood circulation is deftly compromised.
Whatnot Ramblings
The mind is practical, the heart is not. The heart is carried by fleeting emotions, the mind is not. The heart may lead to things only to be regretted due to lack of proper research and methodical thinking but such is not always the case for there are times when gut feel is so right and the mind is baffled to explain why. But more often than not, the mind is better than the heart. Especially when it comes to love. As such love is something that should be accomplished by the mind and not by the heart. Then again who am I to be an expert on the subject when I haven’t loved – yet.
***
I miss talking to him immensely but only sometimes. I know that my personality when it comes to friendships is keep them but let go. I have always known myself to be a nomad and so I have the privilege of having friends from all sorts of places; a variety of social networks not always interrelated but none the less composed of numerous people, friends I know I’ll have forever though communication remains quite sparse. Yet I must say I do envy people who’ve had a constant friend throughout the ages no matter where life’s path takes them. But I do not dwell on this sad fact for I am content of quickly forging friends in the environment I’m in then when the time comes to leave then the person remains my friend even if communication is not as free as before.
And I told him such. And I haven’t talked to him in a great number of days. Today we spoke and I found out I had so many stories to share as well as questions to ask. In short I missed talking to him, I missed the candid conversations we had in our work, I missed making work less tiring for him as I know I do. I miss having him near me – a ready and willing ear to listen; to break the humdrum of routine work. Now the only routine work that needs to be broken up is his for I have left already. Furthermore, I miss him because in this stage of life I’m in right now I get to talk to so few people apart from my immediate family. I miss having a daily conversation about anything at all with someone who is not your immediate family; with a real live person and not a blog; with someone who could answer instantaneously and not days after as what email provides. I need someone I can readily and easily not to mention constantly talk to who is not family. And for the longest time it was him. Now he is gone because I am. And I miss him. Terribly.
for you, W
I admired you the first time I heard your voice.
I admired you the first time I encountered your wit.
I admired your ease with small talk, your adept with conversations.
I admired you.
I looked you up and found your photo.
I looked you up and known your status.
I was dismayed on both occasions.
You weren’t who I imagined you to be.
You already belonged to someone else.
But still I admired you.
Secretly, I did.
I was elated when you became my friend.
I was elated when you replied to my queries, businesslike at the start, personal afterwards.
I was elated you would talk to me.
I was elated when you cared for me.
I was elated when you made me laugh.
The more I talked to you, the more I saw your brilliance.
The more I talked to you, the more I learned your personality.
I admired you even more.
The admiration grew deeper and soon I found myself falling for you.
It was one-sided.
I knew you saw me just as a friend – maybe even a little sister at that.
And when I got depressed one time,
when you apparently disappeared and I didn’t know where to;
When our talks suddenly stopped and I can’t find out where you were;
I knew I had to reign myself in.
(Did you know I even caught my eyes watering when I saw your username fused with your girl’s name?)
There would never be anything more than friendship for us.
And so I reined my emotions; controlled them and pulled them in.
I buried them and burned them; squashed them with all my might.
I stopped my fall. Stood up. Moved on.
I still admire you but not with the same intensity as before.
And now our friendship is threatened and I hurt deeply.
The pain I feel is even more than the previous pain I’ve felt.
I don’t want to lose the level of friendship we now have.
I don’t.
Neither do I want to choose.
I know you will never make me choose,
But there would always be a shadow between us.
I don’t want that.
Finally I can hear your voice again after such a long, long time.
I am excited beyond all doubts.
But I am also wary because of what you will say.
Because of what I will say.
Because of what may happen next.
I love you. I hope you don’t go.
I’ve told you before that my life will be utterly boring when you’re gone.
I will be leaving in a few months time.
We would soon be apart and our paths may never cross again.
But I hope that before that time comes, we would remain friends.
Just like before.
And don’t give me crap about face value.
I never looked at face value.
It’s always the inner person that I see first.
I don’t know how to end this.
I’m not even sure if you’ll directly find out from me;
If I’ll email this to your inbox.
I look forward to hearing your voice
Even when the words it will bear will send daggers to my mind
And cause my heart to bleed.
epilogue
He reached out first.
I won the waiting game.
But when I found out why it took him that long to speak; I was sad for him.
I wanted to go to his side and soothe his worries and pains.
I wanted to be there for him to ease his troubles and worries.
I felt it so strongly in my heart, that my heart constricted.
I felt is so strongly that tears threatened to spill from my eyes.
I cared for him.
I do.
And since I know that we would never be.
Since I know that we could never be
I’ll continue caring in silence.
Offering friendship, only friendship.
For it is but friendship that is needed.
That is welcome.
He reached out first.
I won the waiting game.
But when I found out why it took him that long to speak; I was sad for him.
I wanted to go to his side and soothe his worries and pains.
I wanted to be there for him to ease his troubles and worries.
I felt it so strongly in my heart, that my heart constricted.
I felt is so strongly that tears threatened to spill from my eyes.
I cared for him.
I do.
And since I know that we would never be.
Since I know that we could never be
I’ll continue caring in silence.
Offering friendship, only friendship.
For it is but friendship that is needed.
That is welcome.
*note: This has been written long ago. It is the sequel to the previous post.
the waiting game
He’s there, but I dare not speak.
He’s there, but the silence remains – deafening to both our ears.
We’re both stalling time.
Waiting to see who will make the first move.
We’re both stalling time.
Thinking what words the other would like to hear.
I am here, but he dares not speak.
I am here, but there is a great chasm of silence – deafening our ears.
We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what would happen next.
We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what course of action we both want to happen next.
This is madness.
Missing him when he is but an arm’s length away.
This is madness.
Missing him when rationality dictates that such an emotion is forbidden.
This is madness.
Insanity at its best.
Yet I still welcome the feeling. The emotion. Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
Better indeed.
Yet love, is this what this should be called?
Or maybe it is purely insane infatuation.
Maybe he’s busy.
That’s why he won’t speak.
Maybe he’s waiting for me. That’s why he won’t speak.
Two can play in this game, called waiting or stalling.
Let’s see who gives in first.
Woe to me if I do.
Woe to him if he does.
In that case then, let’s just remain in this impasse.
Both staring.
Both silent.
Itching to reach out.
But prideful nonetheless.
He reached out first.
*note: This is something made a long time ago and had just been stored in my outlook drafts box. I thought it best to publish now.
He’s there, but I dare not speak.
He’s there, but the silence remains – deafening to both our ears.
We’re both stalling time.
Waiting to see who will make the first move.
We’re both stalling time.
Thinking what words the other would like to hear.
I am here, but he dares not speak.
I am here, but there is a great chasm of silence – deafening our ears.
We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what would happen next.
We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what course of action we both want to happen next.
This is madness.
Missing him when he is but an arm’s length away.
This is madness.
Missing him when rationality dictates that such an emotion is forbidden.
This is madness.
Insanity at its best.
Yet I still welcome the feeling. The emotion. Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
Better indeed.
Yet love, is this what this should be called?
Or maybe it is purely insane infatuation.
Maybe he’s busy.
That’s why he won’t speak.
Maybe he’s waiting for me.
That’s why he won’t speak.
Two can play in this game, called waiting or stalling.
Let’s see who gives in first.
Woe to me if I do.
Woe to him if he does.
In that case then, let’s just remain in this impasse.
Both staring.
Both silent.
Itching to reach out.
But prideful nonetheless.
He reached out first.
*note: This is something made a long time ago and had just been stored in my outlook drafts box. I thought it best to publish now.
deception. insecurity. boredom.
Deception.
In this game you can’t afford to trust anyone. The sheep you thought harmless might well be a wolf waiting for his chance to devour you. In this environment, vigilance is the key to survival. Do not trust anything that presents itself in your doorstep. Trust only your instinct.
Insecurity.
It is sad that some friendships must be sacrificed because of the insecurity of some. It is sad that some friendships cannot blossom because of the risk of war brought about by some. It is sad that some friendships must simply die a natural death for the sake of peace and harmony. Sad indeed.
Boredom.
When one’s potential is not exercised to the fullest level, boredom creeps in. It threatens to kill the soul, repress the passion and make an otherwise fulfilled life unfulfilled. And so when boredom sets in, two options are given. Continue on and let the boredom slowly kill the soul or brave a way out and release the suppressed potential. There could only be 2 options and 2 aftermath. There is no gray area.
What is this? Why be so cryptic? When before I wrote in plain black and white.
Only time will tell.
for you
Because I cannot speak to you
For my mind will not allow me to do so
For rational thinking won’t allow me to
I would simply blog about what I want to say
The words I cannot speak to you
The world would know
I say this not for your sake but for mine
For to keep so much bottled emotions won’t be healthy
To have so much inside would just zap my energy
And I might be left senseless and broken
If I do not learn to rise up from this
Funny how people write personal items in their diaries
Items which are for them so private that it is only for their eyes to see
What glitch do I have in my body that makes me want to publish
The thoughts which are suppose to be for my eyes only?
Yet here I am telling the world about me
Unafraid. Uncaring. Apathetic
As to what the world would say.
I must be reckless, doing this; risking exposure
I must be brave, doing this; knowing I could always stand up for myself
Or I must be plain stupid.
Do you have any idea how much self-control it took me not to talk to you?
When you suddenly disappeared I feared something bad happened to you
It took me all my willpower not to seek you out and find out what happened
You see I think that for the small window of time I’ve known you I cared for you even just a bit
For that small window of time I’ve known you, you’ve managed to make some small imprint in my system
I cannot quite imagine how I would spend my days without you to talk to
I cannot quite imagine how I’ll alleviate my boredom without you by my side
I cannot quite imagine my world without you in it
But I know I must continue; I must move on
This episode in my life, might have made me look stupid or gullible or fragile or whatever
But I know that I would emerge a better person after this
I might have been stupid to believe that I would really mean something.
For you such words always come easy – you have no qualms telling them to someone
For me such words are precious – I rarely hear them for I am always aloof from those who could provide them
Sometimes I hate the fact that you told me such words
When you most probably knew the impact they’ll have on me
Sometimes I hate the fact that the words probably meant something simpler
Than what I have affixed them
Than what I have made them out to be
I hate it that I am compelled to remember such nice memories
Then in less than a second, the nice memories would become worst than a nightmare
I hate it that my quiet emotional balance had been thrown off guard by your words
And now, I am yet at their mercy – anxious when they would next strike
Yet for all this madness and pain
I know my mind will find an escape
I would soon be able to relegate this to a deep recess of my mind
To be forgotten to oblivion
I do not still know if we would really be friends
I think I lied when I said that the guys I’ve encountered who were like you became my best guy friends
I have come to realize that my best guy friends, though they have somewhat similar scenarios like yours
Didn’t had an attitude like yours
I felt the sincerity of their words when they told me that I was special to them
That even though we didn’t end up together, I knew that at a point in time, no matter how brief
I actually occupied a portion of their hearts
Our days of bliss where pure
Untainted by complications and questions of what if and what could have been
Things just didn’t work out for us
And so we had to part ways as lovers, only to be rejoined as friends
I do not know if the same will be true for you
For I will forever be under the impression that I was just one of the girls to you
One of the girls who were stupid or gullible enough to believe your words
I am harsh
Yet this is brutal honesty
I am honest to the point that it hurts
The feeling was good while it lasted
The pain was real when it ended
And I am left to face my misery alone
And thanks to you
My world was overthrown
My carefully shielded and guarded emotions were thrown in shambles
If you derive pleasure from this, so be it
I do not care
I will soon rise from this
Stronger than before I fell
