I admired you the first time I heard your voice.
I admired you the first time I encountered your wit.
I admired your ease with small talk, your adept with conversations.
I admired you.
I looked you up and found your photo.
I looked you up and known your status.
I was dismayed on both occasions.
You weren’t who I imagined you to be.
You already belonged to someone else.
But still I admired you.
Secretly, I did.
I was elated when you became my friend.
I was elated when you replied to my queries, businesslike at the start, personal afterwards.
I was elated you would talk to me.
I was elated when you cared for me.
I was elated when you made me laugh.
The more I talked to you, the more I saw your brilliance.
The more I talked to you, the more I learned your personality.
I admired you even more.
The admiration grew deeper and soon I found myself falling for you.
It was one-sided.
I knew you saw me just as a friend – maybe even a little sister at that.
And when I got depressed one time,
when you apparently disappeared and I didn’t know where to;
When our talks suddenly stopped and I can’t find out where you were;
I knew I had to reign myself in.
(Did you know I even caught my eyes watering when I saw your username fused with your girl’s name?)
There would never be anything more than friendship for us.
And so I reined my emotions; controlled them and pulled them in.
I buried them and burned them; squashed them with all my might.
I stopped my fall. Stood up. Moved on.
I still admire you but not with the same intensity as before.
And now our friendship is threatened and I hurt deeply.
The pain I feel is even more than the previous pain I’ve felt.
I don’t want to lose the level of friendship we now have.
I don’t.
Neither do I want to choose.
I know you will never make me choose,
But there would always be a shadow between us.
I don’t want that.
Finally I can hear your voice again after such a long, long time.
I am excited beyond all doubts.
But I am also wary because of what you will say.
Because of what I will say.
Because of what may happen next.
I love you. I hope you don’t go.
I’ve told you before that my life will be utterly boring when you’re gone.
I will be leaving in a few months time.
We would soon be apart and our paths may never cross again.
But I hope that before that time comes, we would remain friends.
Just like before.
And don’t give me crap about face value.
I never looked at face value.
It’s always the inner person that I see first.
I don’t know how to end this.
I’m not even sure if you’ll directly find out from me;
If I’ll email this to your inbox.
I look forward to hearing your voice
Even when the words it will bear will send daggers to my mind
And cause my heart to bleed.
