Personal Stories - Cerebral Insights

#Y: A Journey of Personal Catharsis

I don’t have much experience with indie films – or films in general – but I do know that Cinemalaya films are a must-watch for they expose issues in society rarely discussed and much less shown on film. And so, I made it a goal to watch a Cinemalaya film this year – finally after being cooped up in the province for so long where Cinemalaya is virtually inaccessible.

With so many great films to choose from, I didn’t know where to begin. A friend recommended #Y and it being about my generation, I opted to watch it. And so, at 9pm on a Thursday night, there I was, alone, in Greenbelt, watching #Y.

I didn’t really know what to expect from the film. The reviews were mostly vague. And nothing could have prepared me for the film’s effect. Seemingly shallow at the beginning, the more I dwell on it, the more it exposed issues inside of me – issues I have been too afraid to disclose; issues I have set aside and never really dealt with. It was not your usual indie film. It didn’t just expose issues in society – it exposes issues within yourself.

And so, after almost a week of having seen the film and after countless discussions with friends, officemates, myself and even the director – here is my take on the film and how it has purged me of my own personal demons.

SUICIDE

The overall apparent theme of the movie was suicide. The trailer unapologetically led people to believe it was a film simply revolving on sex, drugs and alcohol and never really gave a hint that it was primarily about suicide. Hence it was a shock when the film opened with the main character – Miles (Elmo Magalona) – lying on the pavement, in his own pool of blood.

And from there, it was a flashback to how it all began.

The suicide theme was softened by Miles’ comedic monologue. I found it funny when, even while lying in the pavement, apparently dead, the audience can still hear his thoughts – about how dying by jumping off a building, despite being really fast, was in fact, very painful.

No one really knew why Miles would commit suicide. In fact, his family and friends all pretty much had good opinions about him. They saw him as having everything he could wish for and living a pretty much good life. No one knew why he would do it. But I do.

And that I have expounded here.

SEX

Sex was another overriding theme in the movie. It tackled how sex is the norm in today’s generation and how the days of Maria Clara and sex-after-marriage are seemingly down the drain. My mom would have a fit when she reads my exposition on sex – and my vast knowledge of it but such is the reality of things.

Continue reading “#Y: A Journey of Personal Catharsis”

Protected: The Real Deal on Sex: My #Y Personal Catharsis Series

SUICIDE – How I Overcome It: My #Y Personal Catharsis Series

The main overriding theme of #Y was suicide. When I asked the director why he made a film about suicide – and if that is really the norm in my generation – he straightforwardly answered YES. Studying in the U-Belt area, he claimed that it was a normal occurrence for a student to simply jump off the building. In fact, the number of students who commit suicide are never really reported for most of these kids belong to well-known families who would rather keep everything private.

Come to think of it, suicide is a tough thing to deal with. From the person attempting to commit it to the people left behind after the act. So many questions. So few answers.

It appears that despite the socially connected world we live in, we still suffer from isolation.

Continue reading “SUICIDE – How I Overcome It: My #Y Personal Catharsis Series”

Flow Arts: My Kind Of Art

This year I’ve reconnected to my “ethnic roots” twice – first during the Fête dela Musique 2014 and second during last night’s Moonrise Festival. There was a reason why, in my first year of college, I joined Kontra-Gapi – the ethnic instrument and dance group in UP. It was to serve as my introduction to the fundamentally astounding genre of world beat music. Although active for only a year, my Kontro Gapi experience will last me a lifetime. Not to mention it has also influenced me to take up World Music as one of my GE (General Education) subjects. Here my appreciation for world beat music grew.

World Beat Music has this kind of effect on me. Dancing to its beat is effortless not to mention totally relaxing. I can feel that it allows me to be myself where dance moves are not confined by strict rules and I can just flow without worry of appearing stupid.

This is my kind of dance. My kind of music.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXbnJyG_vxI]

Playing the instruments – the gong, gangsa, kulintang, sarunay, gabbang and soon, djembe – brings a different kind of satisfaction wherein although in itself they are simple, when played with a group, the harmony created is just totally out-of-this-world.

Right now, confined in the concrete walls of the office while listening to the recorded videos and music of last night’s festival, I can’t help but sway with the music. If left unchecked, I might just get up and dance. That’s how powerful worldbeat music affects me. That’s how my art flows.

And so I’ve considered – with resolve slowly growing – to have my very own djembe so I can play to my heart’s content and to learn poi dancing up to the point where I can play with fire.

Poi Performer

Talahib

Poi Performer in Action

Opening Ceremony

Capoeira Performance

Artistic Graffiti on Current Philippine Issues

Fire Dance!

Hello 2013!

This is a new year post. This is a personal post. And like any new year personal post, it is a reflection of the past year and an anticipation of the year to come. So I lay to rest for a while my political posts, my intellectual posts and all other posts I claim to be impersonal but are really more personal than I care to admit.

Hopefully, as I have tried again and again, a blog dated with the first day of the year would be a positive sign of regular blog posts to come though we are wise enough to know that superstitions are mere kid’s fantasies and everything all boils down to action and determination.

So quite a lot has happened in 2012. We moved to a new house, not yet our own but I do admit I love the bigger space. A major death hit the family a year after another major death but this has been pivotal for it brought together lost souls and hopefully mended broken hearts. Revelations were made – for the good or the bad only time will tell. Promotions were given though hardly completed. I guess 2012 did had a lot in store of it.

Yet overall, I felt it was a very passive year for me. Passive because most of what happened were things really beyond my control. The things that were indeed within my sphere of influence were mediocre at their best. I started school but not with my first choice. My work performance has been riveting but not grandiose in my evaluation. Overall, I think 2012 was so-so.

So how do I want 2013 to be? Chinese astrology predicts that for me this year would just be a repeat of 2012. Heaven forbid! I hope it is not! But since I’ve always believed in crafting one’s own destiny, I approach 2013 with a more positive outlook.

Top of the list will be to get a move on with Him. I know I need Him back. I need that moving and passionate relationship with Him so I am determined to really make this happen this year. Of course, it is only by His Grace that things will do move but it takes two to tango. A close second is to get a grip of my financial life. For a year, I’ve read and learned as much as I can, I think it is time to put it to use. The third one is closely related to the second. Do what it takes to get a grip of my finances and future earth investment. First goal is to take care of my eternal investment and second goal tied to third is to get a grip of my earthly investment.

Essentially, these are my two major goals. All the rest stems and flows from them, I dare not make the list too long lest I loose focus and, scarily, procrastinate,

But seeing as it is the first day of the year, let me savor the day and backtrack a little.

The holidays has been quite a treat for us. For one, daddy is here to physically celebrate it with us after not being able to do so for several years now. Who knows if next Christmas he’ll be with us again. I certainly hope so but doubt it highly likely. Second, I’ve never seen us produce so much food for one occasion. Indeed, it has been such a long time since so much food has been laid on the table. It’s enough to last us a week! Indeed, we are so blessed and I feel that everyday, and with every bite.

The new year has also been different for me this year because there was less pomp – social wise. Despite the impressive fireworks display left and right in the neighborhood we reside in – something I’ve never witnessed in my past community – there remains in me the feeling that 2012 has seen me somewhat estranged from my once numerous social circles. Oh I have a thousand facebook friends but I have already experienced that despite the robust social technology, I am more alienated than ever. Probably it’s my fault. I suck at communicating especially long distance but this hasn’t been the way I envisioned my social life to be. Wherever the fault is or whatever happened, the fact remains – I have drifted. Far and wide. So why is this not part of my 2013 goals? Frankly, I feel empty that I feel I have nothing much left to share. And so, I need to fulfill goal 1 to be full once again to the brim and to overflowing.

So there, this has been my 2013 post. A first, I daresay, in my almost 10 years of blogging on and off. Whatever 2013 has in store for me, I vow to make things happen and not to sit around idly looking as life passes me by leaving fate to do things for me.

Happy new year to those who’ve read this far. Thank you for even reading.

Post Script:

So this has a post script because, while reading Facebook posts by friends listing the major and minor things that made their 2012 great, I realized I had much to be grateful for as well. But since I am slightly averse to baring my soul in Facebook (weird considering those are my “friends” vs the public who reads my blog), I will write my list here.

I am grateful for my random, unexpected meetings with friends. Though not really the people I’ve been close with from my elementary, high school and college days, these people has shown me how precious friendships are and how, in the greater scheme of things, acquaintances in the past can prove to be crucial and close friendships in the future. (Or perhaps in the ever expanding world of social networks and the shrinking world of physical connections, you take whatever physical friendships you can get.)

I am grateful for the new places I’ve been, the new culinary delights I’ve experienced, the representations I made and the new people I met – famous and otherwise.

I am grateful for the new gadgets I owned and the convenience they’ve brought me.

Vague I know but I can never be too specific. Overall, though I have much to yearn for and want for 2013 to happen, I am still grateful for the year that passed. It taught me a lot and made me experience so much – little and otherwise.

And since the new year is a time to reflect and to plan, then so be it. The past teaches us lessons that we need to live in the present and to move forward to the future.

Christmas Musings on Christmas Morning

Let me take a break from my commentaries on national issues and share some thoughts on customs I’ve observed this holiday season. This blog after all is still a personal blog.

Last night, I had the privilege of helping out my aunts wrap their giveaways to carolers. It has been a tradition that carolers, the kids that is, only get treats from us instead of money. And they only get these treats, wrapped like Christmas presents on the night before Christmas. So last night, there was a line of kids waiting for their turn to sing us some carols. It was amazing to note that most of them sang the traditional, Sa May Bahay song and that none ever sang Jingle Bells or any Western carols. I was secretly happy that that was the case. It shows that these kids are in touch with the real reason for Christmas, at the very least. That it’s not about Santa, it’s about Jesus.

Another observation was that for variety of carols to sing, the kids sang TV station id’s and ad jingles. The Meralco Christmas jingle received the most airtime followed by ABS-CBN’s station id. Indeed the television has come a long way in shaping society that even Christmas carols are derived from them.

But regardless of songs sang, all the kids went home happy. We noticed they had treats not only from us but from the neighbors as well. The community has picked up the practice. We now have our own version of Trick or Treat only that it’s done on Christmas and kids have to sing to receive wrapped treats.

Merry Christmas everyone! My thanks to those who follow my humble blog.

A New Respect for Celebrities

Yesterday, I had the chance to witness firsthand how human the glorified celebrities of today’s Philippine TV are. During the recently concluded GMA Trade Fair Show, I saw how normal the guest stars are – checking out and playing in the booths, lining up for the buffet dinner, posing for pictures, etc. But what struck me most about them was the pressure they had of entertaining us – the guests.

The event was attended by advertisers of the local GMA network. Yes there were young blood among us (myself included of course) but I must admit that it was mostly a professional, working crowd. And somehow, I felt the apparent dullness of the crowd’s response to the guest stars’ performances. Whereas mall tours would result in cheering and howling throngs of fans, the crowd that night was a polite and reserved bunch. At some point, I felt pity because one of them had to ask the crowd to clap. And I somehow sensed how hard it must be to elicit a response from the crowd.

I guess entertaining a smaller number of people, most of whom may not really know or are familiar with who they are, does produce some anxiety and pressure upon them. I can just imagine how hard it must be to maintain a jolly and entertaining composure in front of a crowd who refused to cooperate in singing the song lyrics or in howling for each suave dance move.

This led me to conclude that in this world, we are all working to make a living. Some become famous for it, some remain in the shadows but certain expectations and pressures remain the same no matter the job description. At times I felt they were larger than life, but now I realize they are indeed the same like all of us except for Facebook fan pages with tens of thousands likes and Twitter profiles with millions of followers.

missing you

I do miss blogging. I looked at the posts featured on my front page and I can see that the posts from last year are still there. About a year ago, the posts of last week would not even appear on the front page for so long. But now, I regret to say, that the freedom of time to blog has been robbed from me, not because I don’t like to blog anymore but rather because I can’t blog anymore. Time constraints are always the largest culprit but beyond that, I am now in a position wherein I understand fully the dangers of maintaining a very public blog which can be traced back to me.

I have always been honest about what I write; fearless in my views and stands. More than the upcoming elections, there are more reason for me to sift through what I write, filter what I express. My job now allows me to become privy to a lot of confidential information that I cannot divulge and being an active blogger, I must watch what I write for I may accidentally say something – some grievance perhaps or some word of praise that will be better released at a more appropriate time. So for the readers that I have (if there are any) forgive me for not updating my blog. I chose not to close it down, as some I know have professed to do to their blogs once they deemed their scheds would become hectic but only to go back to blogging (if you’re reading this, you may be able to relate.. peace!). But I feel aversive to shut down my blog, I did have some great posts back then (am I being conceited?). Hehe.

Hmm. Suffice to say, I miss blogging. Perhaps I will somehow get back to it. Sift through what I can write. Still voice out personal opinions on my political views (I don’t think I will get shot for expressing them, aight?). Or perhaps I could still write about other aspects of my life, there are other categories present here. But as for the bigger chunk of my life right now, that is my work, I would have to remain mum about it.

So moving forward (did you think I was stopping already?), there are certain noteworthy things worth mentioning in my life outside of work. For weeks, even months, work has been the premier item that has occupied my time and mind but now there are other things worth mentioning.

Hmm. I know. There should be another more important thing occupying my life right now. A relationship I have been neglecting for who knows how long. I know at times I try to communicate, but I know it is not in the same degree as before. For some weeks back, I thought I would be going back. To the place where our relationship had bloomed and made leaps and bounds and I depended on that chance to rekindle what I have with Him. But now I am still here, far from where we started, and I know I must rekindle what I have with Him, what is left of it I guess. Gosh. I do miss Him terribly. And I am still, I’m afraid, in the same position as I was a year ago, perhaps a step or two closer but still farther than where I was years and years ago. (for the other he who I know will be reading this, I hope you know who is the He I am talking about here. I did tell you that what I have is a relationship, not a religion, and as such it is still subject to what every normal human relationship goes through. Just so you know before you start thinking about other things else.)

So now, (transition), having made that small disclaimer in parenthesis, the other he will be the next subject of discussion. Maybe not exactly the person but rather the circumstances I now find myself in.

Love. Commitment. Relationships. I had such high words for these things before. Almost made me sound like some counseling book perhaps. I know though that experience wise, I am almost near the bottom mark but knowledge wise I rank high. Yet in life, we are not all books, not all knowledge but also experiential. Not to say that I went out there and got myself some experience to compliment my book knowledge, no, but rather, experience found me. Cliche, but it is true. All this things that I have developed truckloads of theories in the past, came knocking at my door. Challenging me to put my well-formulated theories into practice. Along the way, of course I have seen that some of these theories need polishing, some even needed to be abolished, but then everything is a work in progress. Right? I know I have left my blog hanging as to the last forage I have in this field. It was just too painful for me to admit it at that time – that I have failed, yet again perhaps. I had all this grand talk of finally finding the one despite the negativity I faced at home. I announced to everyone that I had found him – the one I would be with for the rest of my life. I put a lot of thought in the whole process, of whether he would be worth the time and emotions and everything. I even fought for him with my family. And then look where it got me – nowhere! So much time, energy and emotions wasted. But then, as I was saying way back then, it was a risk I was willing to take. Yes, there was the other side to the coin but then who wanted to look at the other side right?

In any case, I feel like I am in again, almost the same position. Of course thankfully this next person is someone I met flesh and blood. Not some random online stranger like the last two have been. And in due fairness, there are mutual friends to attest to his credibility so I am not banking my decision on something only I have seen. But then, I feel that unlike before, I would have to take everything much much slower this time. I mean, yes, I did put time limits for myself (the eggs.. the eggs.. haha), but I also know that I would rather be slow and sure than be fast and sorry (again) in the end.

Forgive me, blog and readers, for I haven’t said anything about the end of that last relationship that I had written so candidly about at the start. I was ashamed to say it ended when the way I had written about it was like it was the end of a long search for the lifetime partner. I was ashamed to admit I had failed when I had sought the advice of so many people about the entire matter. My ego cannot take it. But then, there is a time for humility and I guess this is it. Thank goodness I was able to change my relationship status in FB back to single, just that I removed it from the news feed. My reluctance to announce that we were done for was not because I was still hung up on the person. No, once I determined that I could not really love him for reasons I have yet to state, all feelings that I have for him flew out the window. It was more of pride that I was reluctant to make the announcement. More of shame on my part. Sometimes I feel like that shame would haunt me, but then, I figure that the decision is ultimately up to myself. I could decide to let some past haunt me and make me cower in fear, or I can decide to take it with a grain of salt and move forward, learning from experience.

So I stood up, brushed my knee, acknowledged I fell and let the wounds heal in time. Wounds, not because of a broken heart, but a broken ego. Sometimes I wonder, am I really the ice princess? Seeing how methodical my ways with emotions are. Nah. I must be really just a big chunk of cognitive persona.

So this is it for now. I guess. I look forward to knowing this person more as the days pass and seeing where everything will go. And as I have learned about my recent experience with my work, you really cannot plan everything. I never imagined I would land this job I now have, much less with this company and in this place. I had fixed plans before, now I really don’t have them anymore. So I guess, the same with the field of love, relationships and commitments, I would just let the wind blow and see where it would lead me. Now, I guess I am fully letting Him take reign of my life, not trying to force my own will into it. But then, I still miss what we have in the past and hope very much to regain what was lost.

Proud To Be Bicolano

Many people like to ask why I came back to my home province. They would contend that I was already in Manila, the apparent “green land” of the country and I wasted the opportunity to pursue a more lucrative job out there. When I moved back to Bicol after graduation and decided to seek employment in this province (Camarines Sur) I know was once dubbed one of the poorest in the country, my initial reason was that I wanted to be closer to home – for the next two years. Then I would move back to Manila, face the horrendous music, and earn the big bucks. For one year, I lived the rural life – a life so boring and pale compared to the fast paced Manila life I’ve led for the past 6 years. After one year, I was prepared to exchange the fresh provincial air for the polluted ones of the Metro, if only to have a more lucrative job and a higher earning salary. I’m glad I didn’t.

Yesterday, I attended the conference, “Eco-Mismo: The Philippine Conference on Ecotourism and Eco-Productivity” at the Capitol Convention Center in Pili, Camarines Sur. It was a very rewarding experience despite minor hassles (Pinoy time as usual..tsk.) I learned a lot from the various speakers about what eco-tourism is all about and about how climate change should urge us to be more sustainable in our practices. But more than these learnings, I was amazed and proud at what the Cam Sur Governor, LRay Villafuerte presented in his speech. I had tears in my eyes as he showed us the video presentation showing what Camarines Sur was before, and what it is now. From 39th poorest province to Top 10 richest province in 5 years – a pretty amazing feat I should say. And all of these are thanks to the tourism that was very aggressive for the past few years – CWC, Caramoan and next, Mt. Isarog! Wow. Developments are certainly underway. And whereas before, there was only one airline flying 3x a week to Cam Sur, now there are 3 airlines flying 49 times a week! And the flights are bound to increase.

From having the reputation of being one of the poorest provinces in the country, Camarines Sur, or better yet known as Cam Sur has come a long, long way. And I am proud to be back to my home province.

Chapters of Life

Our lives have many chapters composed of many scenes and different people. As one chapter closes and another one opens, some people tend to move on with the chapters, eventually becoming intertwined with the rest of our lives. At times, a prominent person on one chapter becomes a supporting character on the next. Sometimes, they just fade into oblivion. Still at times, a person in the background in one chapter becomes the main character in the next. Some retain their roles, some change theirs. Bottomline is that, people’s roles change in each chapter just as scenes change.

My life is moving on to its next chapter. I firmly believe that I will now be closing the previous chapter which had been full of ups and downs, just like any other chapter of my colorful life. But there will be quite a lot of changes from now on. I have made a lot of mistakes of which I am now learning to stand up and move on. Some people will get left behind. Others may be delegated a more substantial role. Others may take center stage. It is too early to really tell.

But I know, as major changes start taking place, I will now be closing this chapter and moving on.