When I was young, I was full of ambition. I have dreamed of climbing the top of the ladder of success which I defined as a prime office space in a high rise building – the head of a multinational company; a powerful top level executive. I worked my life in pursuit of such an ambition and regardless of the curve balls life threw at me, I relentlessly pushed on.
Now, I am about to enter a new chapter of my life. Supposedly on April 22 but another curve ball happened of which I had absolutely no control and so I am staring at a setback. It’s just a setback of dates, thankfully, and not a setback of bigger things (such as a groom!). And yet, this time of setback has allowed me to muse on what is really important in life and how I have changed in my desires.
Growing older – and more mature I hope – I have been privy to the way others led their lives. And I have come to see glimpses of the kind of life I want to lead in the future. Further, I have come to see my life’s trajectory and the possibility (or not) of me turning into the person I want to be.
Before I had even considered raising my own family (and what that would entail), I have always regarded a professional life as lucrative. I live for the thrill of the board room. I live for the excitement of strategic plans coming into fruition. And as the past decade went by, where I pursued this path, I found myself asking – is this really what life has to offer me?
Yes it was thrilling. But the stress levels were also real. Too often I had to take sabbaticals for my peace of mind. Too often I had to re-align my pursuits and paths searching for the paths of least resistance. As I trudged on this path, I looked around and saw how others were leading theirs. I saw those who pursued the same paths and the sacrifices they made along the way. I saw those who opted out and the outcome of those choices.
And as the years passed, I began to long for a different kind of path. One that put more focus in something maybe not as grand as what I wanted but nonetheless equally (if not more) fulfilling.
I began to long for a family I can call my own.
I used to think raising a family was something easy and natural. Something that is easily accomplished as I pursue my executive ambitions. Some are able to do it – or so it seems. I learned that those who were able to pursue both were able to do so but not with a great expense. Further, I learned that the kind of “family raising” I wanted was one not easily accomplished in tune with my ambitions.
I longed to be the proverbial housewife. I longed to spend days planning meals and excursions for my family. I longed to guide my kids as they navigate the tricky waters of growing up in a fast changing world. I longed to be hands-on in everything I do for them. I began to see the nobleness of the profession.
As I spend the past days in lock down, I had time to introspect about where my life is leading me. I am on the path to my ambitions. But will it lead me to achieving what my heart is longing for now? Will I be able to really juggle them all? Or am I better off following the path of others who have placed greater weight in one over the other?
Life is full of choices. After all, God gave us free will to make these myriad of choices on how we will lead our lives. It is with faith in Him and with the guidance of the Bible, His Word, that we make the right ones. As I ask Him what path I must chose, I am led to meditate on this verse:
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.
Psalm 143:10
Whatever decision I come to, I know for certain that the Holy Spirit will be there to guide me. Whatever path I choose, I know that God’s strength will be there to support me. Whatever choices I need to make, I know God’s wisdom will be there to help me make the right ones.
And with this assurance, I move forward. For in life, however we choose to lead it, we always move forward – filled with confidence.
