a rare moment of insanity (and irresponsibility)

I know it was immature and irresponsible. I know it goes against all my principles and my personality. But I had to do it. I had to be irresponsible and immature – just for once. Just this one time. 

 

Why? I cannot exactly tell. Maybe it was a way of telling the world (or myself) that I can also go against the tide; that I can also be reckless to the point of stupidity; irresponsible to the point of foolishness. A lot will berate me for my foolishness; my inconsideration. But although it was a regrettable action, I can’t help but admit that if you strip the regrets and the disappointment, I’m actually glad of what I did. I actually believe that what I did resulted to more good than harm – for me and my work, even for my sanity.

 

What the heck am I talking about? Simple. I just went NCNS (no call, no show) from work the day before my day-off. You could also call it AWOL (absence without leave). And although I was perfectly aware of the protocol, I disregarded it, doing things my own way. My reason? I don’t want to add insult to injury by giving a lie, however conceivable, to my planned absence. I wasn’t absent because I had some excusable sickness. I was absent because I simply wanted to. Because I felt that my sanity demands it. I know the consequences of my absence. I knew what would be affected. I was prepared to face it. I accepted the consequences. Furthermore, I knew that no serious part of my job would be compromised. Heck! The company or queue could survive a day (or night) without me. 

 

 

And so I entered work today, refreshed from my long absence. I faced my supervisor with the right amount of shame written over my face but with dignity still intact. I received a good amount of heart-to-heart talk. Why did I do it? Why did I not even call or gave notice that I was going to be absent? I said I didn’t want to lie. I’m not a liar. I will not even fake a medical certificate to justify my absence. He asked me if I wanted to resign.

 

I said YES. I had wanted to resign a long time ago. But I kept thinking that it will never look good in my resume if I lasted less than 6 months in this job. But the longer I stay, the more my sanity threatens to crumble. Already I feel like it’s being held up by very delicate wires – wires that threaten to break any minute now.

 

He said my reasons for resigning were immature, although in the end he admitted that the decision is still mine. Well, call it immature. Call it whatever you like. My point is that I have a dream. Idealistic as my dream maybe but still it is a dream. I have an ambition, an aspiration, something that I long to fulfill. Indeed it is true that life is harsh, reality is grim, but still I hope that before I am jaded by life, I, at least get to try out my dream, try out what I want. In this young age of mine, wherein the realities of supporting a family is not yet imminent, wherein my only obligations are to myself, I think it is but proper that I do all my explorations now. 

 

I know I may fail. The risks for achieving my dreams are high, that I am well aware of. I know that probably I will just return to my old job – this job being the most amiable of all the jobs out there. But still I don’t want to live a life forever rooted in what if’s and dissatisfactions and disillusionments. I want my life to have some sense or degree of fulfillment. When I go back, if ever I do go back, to this job that I have now, I want to have a sense of peace that I came back because I knew that there really was nothing more out there for me. That I have proven it first-hand, failed at my attempts first-hand. 

 

I will get out. If I do come back, I know I would have become a better person than before I got out.